Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Oscar Wilde, on the opening night of "The Importance" was receiving boquets and praise from all --whe a bunch of rotting carrots, cabbage leaves and celery, was thrust into his hand, by Lord Queensbury (?) the father of his paramour "For you Sir ! " --- Wilde smelt them (To give thinking time ) and replied "Thank you -- whenever I smell them --- I shall think of you !"

It was also said of him, that he thought up Epigrams in his bath --- and at Dinner, he worked the conversation round to the point at which he could deliver them !

Another famous Churchillian --- Bessie Braddock "Sir, you are Drunk ! " Churchill "Madam you are ugly --- but I shall be sober in the Morning ! "

I agree --- we have lost the art of Insult --- but I still try !

[Mid A 15]

The mother of Caster Semanya, womens 800 metres world champion has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.

She said "This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter"

[J.R.]

The mother of Caster Semanya, womens 800 metres world champion has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.

She said "This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter"

Priceless, Andy !!!

[J.R.]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him !"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight !




Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:









"Master, Master ! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music !"




(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

[J.R.]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early !"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there !"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems !"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude ?" one asked.

"Er uh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free !"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm ?"

"Yup" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home !

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run ?"

"Nope......... only when it's raining !!"

[englishangel]

Visit to the dentist

The Dentist pulls out a 'freezing needle' to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

[englishangel]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[jhopgood]

A Real "Oh C**p" Moment

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?


"Life is short, drink the good wine first"

[midget]

Subject: The Ultimate Put-Down?


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GREY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

[midget]

Stimulus package


The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

[J.R.]

Again, I'm not sure if I have posted this before in the distant past.......

Letters to VIZ magazine.


* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum ? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses ? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f*ckers ? Its hardly fair.

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the City of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics ?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down !

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one ?

[J.R.]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going ?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf ?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF ?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years.'

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind ! How can you play golf if you can't see ?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt ?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap ?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem ?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that. OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play ?'




Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick any night you like !'

[J.R.]

A four year old is sitting on the toilet..... Mum thinks he has been there too long, so she goes in to see what's going on.

Littl'un is sitting on the loo reading a book, but every so often he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with one hand and bangs himself on the top of his head with the other.

Mum says "Billy, are you all right ? You've been in here for ages."

"I'm all right", says Billy, "but the 'do-doos' won't come out yet !"

"OK" says Mum, "Stay for a few more minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head ?"

"Well, it works for Ketchup !" says Billy !

[J.R.]

A huge muscular man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The assistant says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back stock-room, the assistant said to his manager, 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, '......And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the assistant, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from ?'

'Cardiff, Sir.' the assistant replied.

'Well, why did you leave Cardiff ?' the manager asked.

'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players down there.'

'Really ?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Cardiff !!'

'You're kidding ?' came the reply. 'Who did she play for ?'

[kerrensimmonds]

How to get to heaven - from Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'



.................................



A six year-old boy shouted out:

"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."