Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

SWINE FLU.

I called the Swine Flu Helpline for further information, but I think there must be a fault because all I could hear was a lot of crackling on the line !

[J.R.]

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existant, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."

Gordon Brown thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Britain be like in 100 years time ?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "Share what it says."

"I can't !

Its all in Arabic !"

[Ajarn Philip]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre!" asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous Jean Thomas, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[J.R.]

Government Contracts.

Three contractors are bidding to fix some rubbish army accommodation at Aldershot. One is from Manchester, another is from Birmingham, and the third is from London.

All three go with an MOD official to examine the accommodation. The Manchester contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £9 million: £4 million for materials,£4 million for my crew and £1 million profit for me."

The Birmingham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £7 million: £3 million for materials, £3 million for my crew and £1 million profit for me."

The London contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the MOD official and whispers, "£27 Million."

The MOD official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys ! How did you come up with such a high figure ?"

The London contractor whispers back, "£10 million for me, £10 million for you, and we hire the guy from Birmingham to do the work."

"Done !" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Government contracts work.

[J.R.]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said "You should say "NO" - they only want to look at your knickers !"

Susie said "I know they do - that's why I hide them in my bag !!!"

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

JR's decription of Government Contracts, is not far from the truth.
We were invited to tender for a Contract to supply some equipment for a Submarine (SSHH ! not a word !)
The job was complicated and full of interminable Specifications --- we didn't want to know !
However, in order to remain on the MOD list of approved Contractors, we tendered, at an enormous price -- fully ten times the proper price, in the secure knowledge that we would not get the Contract !


You guessed it ----- WE DID !

[englishangel]

From a Professor at University of Sheffield Medical School

Subject: Message from the CDC - New Virus alert


The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest off licence and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

[Ajarn Philip]

PLEASE NOTE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY

EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[englishangel]

How tough are Australians ?


The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,

stars twinkling in the dark sky.


Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

one from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.


The night of tales begins...


Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.


Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'


Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[michael scuffil]

Mrs Thatcher is having dinner in a restaurant with two Cabinet colleagues.

Thw waiter comes to take the orders.

"I'll have the lamb," says Mrs T.

"And the vegetables, ma'am?" asks the waiter.

"Oh, they'll have the same."

[Ajarn Philip]

Anyone under 30 should PM Michael for an explanation!

[J.R.]

Good old 'Spitting Image' !

I wish they'd bring it back, especially in thse days of every MP fiddling as much as they can on expenses, (allegedly). !!!!

[englishangel]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you ' re going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.

But, five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)




Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!!!!
They have been there and done everything!

[englishangel]

Subject: is it a Sick coincidence??


Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting
paranoid, but ....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decbilitates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe.

I'm really worried about next year....................

V
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2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?


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[CHAZ]

It's the year of the OX this year: Pig was last year I think.