How's the revision?
It appears that I am nearly out of gin....
Jokes, please.....
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Richard Ruck
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Richard Ruck
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englishangel
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Jokes
Well if we are going to tell really old ones.
What did the amoeba say to the spirogyra?
Do you conjugate?
No, I decline.
What did the amoeba say to the spirogyra?
Do you conjugate?
No, I decline.
Last edited by englishangel on Thu Nov 03, 2005 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Jokes
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"englishangel wrote:Well if we are going to tell really old ones.
BaB, ColB 1973-80
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jhopgood
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There should be an index to these but since I can't be bothered to trawl all the jokes, I will post this and if it a repeat, then I am sure JT will delete.
When Charles DeGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the ambassador's wife was talking with Madame DeGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?
"A penis," replied Madame DeGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce that word: 'appiness."
When Charles DeGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the ambassador's wife was talking with Madame DeGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?
"A penis," replied Madame DeGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce that word: 'appiness."
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
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shoz
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Presidents Bush's aide went into the Oval Office and said 'Mr President, three Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.'
The President held his head in his hands and screamed 'NO, NO, NO!!! This is disasterous, I can't take any more of this!!'
The aide was somewhat surprised at the president's concern. After a while President Bush raised his head and said 'Tell me, how many is a Brazillion?'
The President held his head in his hands and screamed 'NO, NO, NO!!! This is disasterous, I can't take any more of this!!'
The aide was somewhat surprised at the president's concern. After a while President Bush raised his head and said 'Tell me, how many is a Brazillion?'
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Richard Ruck
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jhopgood
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We must be on the same e-mail joke circulation list. This one came some time ago from a friend in Brunei.Richard Ruck wrote:Spooky, John!
I was thinking of that one only yesterday (before the gin-and-posting frenzy took hold...).
Someone should invent a joke database connected to a spam filter so that we don't keep receiving the same jokes.
Did you also thinkl of this one?
Aussie Tracker
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End on their way to Kakadu National Park. He was describing the
abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road,
an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute . It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "Because I fell out of the **** thing about half an hour ago!"
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
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Richard Ruck
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FrogBoxed
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One for the Lost fans out there
An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible, " stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still – How about a Pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing – this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
"You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible, " stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still – How about a Pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing – this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
"You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
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englishangel
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Jokes
I know someone like that
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jhopgood
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Another Desert Island
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere and the following people are stranded:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
- 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.....................
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 Frenchmen and the Frenchwoman are living happily together a "menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English Woman.
The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside and Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any!
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere and the following people are stranded:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
- 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.....................
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 Frenchmen and the Frenchwoman are living happily together a "menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English Woman.
The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside and Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any!
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)