Jokes, please.....

[cj]

A (female) friend sent me this. Am feeling particular empathy with number 5 at the moment ...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[J.R.]

It was reported last night that Beyonce is in fact the love child of the late and great record breakers presenter, Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the recent discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.

[jhopgood]

Alistair and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Loan

In search of family entertainment this Christmas? Look no further than this unfeasibly long-running production of the much-loved Rock opera, a blend of parable, fantasy, farce and extreme mortgage lending that makes for an unmissable and (let's hope) never-to-be-repeated show.
Based on the Biblical story of Job – sorry, Joseph, the musical is set in ancient Egypt upon Tyne and tells the story of Alistair, "the chancellor", and his all-powerful boss Gordon, "the Pharaoh", both played by stars that you voted for in a nationwide talent contest.
When a bank under their supervision fails to heed warnings that it should use the seven years of plenty to prepare for seven years of famine, they invite you to suspend your disbelief as they make policy on the hoof and interbank lending rates rise and fall like a defective stage curtain.
Thrill to the tale of the rise and fall of an ordinary former building society, enslaved to wholesale markets.
Cheer the heroes of Bible-era banking as their innovative and aggressive business model becomes the envy of Egypt.
Shudder at the failure of Ishmaelites, Midianites and Pharaonic regulators to spot the liquidity risk.
Join the kind of run on the bank you never thought possible ("A once-in-a-lifetime experience", M. King, Threadneedle Street).
Laugh at the "Pyramid Panic" slapstick routine as Alistair and other members of the Pharaoh's Tripartite Authority try to shift the blame, with hilarious consequences.
Boo the villains of Bible-era banking as their risky and inherently unstable business model brings shame on Egypt.
Gasp at the spectacular offer of billions in loans and deposit guarantees ("The biggest bail-out the West End has ever seen", A. Darling, Downing Street) – a masterpiece of special effects and stagecraft.
Finally, sing along with the chart-topping, show-stopping hit "Any Bid Will Do", as the cast search vainly for a happy ending.
Beg, steal or (if you can post collateral of acceptable quality) borrow a ticket.

[englishangel]

Excellent

[Mid A 15]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all thetime. Like my coming along when youneeded a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every singletime."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could havewon the Grand-Slam at tennis.He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and dancedlike a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Couldremember everybody's birthday.He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eatthem with. He could fix anything.Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. ButFrank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoidtraffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he nevermade a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and hisclothing was always immaculate,shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made amistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*ckingwidow."

[J.R.]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: "Smurf Sex" .
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: "Kitchen Sex".
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: "Bedroom Sex".
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: "Hallway Sex".
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: "Religious Sex".
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: "Courtroom Sex".
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: "Social Security Sex.".
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems !

[J.R.]

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question ?"

"Who told you that ?" asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple ?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money ?"

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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window ?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece ?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife ?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time ?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home .

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick !" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby !"
"Tell me, is this her first baby ?" the nurse asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance ?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off !"

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs ?

[J.R.]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the World didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[jhopgood]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
(Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[jhopgood]

Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone

8 ) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
-- Mark Twain

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken
--Unknown, presumed deceased

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
- W. C. Fields

[John Knight]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/6134 ... runway.gif

[englishangel]

How current!

For those who are not in the UK or who may be reading this at some far future date.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/7194201.stm

[jhopgood]

THE DARWIN AWARDS - January 2008

Announcing the new, the beloved, the 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS!

" Named in honour of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it. "

This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof.
In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named supports.

THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS WERE SELECTED FROM 17 NOMINEES:
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS

"Driving is not a time to be practising your multitasking skills," remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM
Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # THREE:

BARN DEMOLITION
Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.


Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases,the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT
One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN
A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. McCants said.

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...

THE ENEMA WITHIN
Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication
of judgement." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbours said
they were surprised to learn of the incident.

[jhopgood]

I work in a motorcycle shop. We see many who have no business being behind two wheels. But the owner of a bike brought in for service really takes the cake.

The entire front end had been ripped off, which is an odd damage pattern. The owner offered the following tale.

He had allowed the motorcycle to sit idle for several months. When he attempted to start it again, the wait had drained the battery. Undeterred, he attempted to bump-start the bike. A manual-transmission vehicle rolling with sufficient speed, popped into second gear, will often start right up, and this is called a bump-start.

The owner lived at the top of a long hill. After a number of repeated and unsuccessful attempts to bump-start the bike, he was left with another problem: a stalled bike sitting at the bottom of a long incline.

The man called his girlfriend to bring her truck and tow the bike back up the hill. A length of rope was procured. One end of the rope was affixed to the truck's bumper, and the other was affixed to the waist of the bike owner "riding" the stalled motorcycle up the hill.

They set off, she in her truck and he on his bike. All was well until he chose to make one final attempt to bump-start the motorcycle. As soon as the clutch engaged, the engine turned into a brake. The bike stopped cold. The owner did not.

His girlfriend was blissfully unaware of what was happening behind her and proceeded to drive to his house, dragging him slowly behind her.

Despite his injuries, he is expected to recover.

[jhopgood]

In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during a performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert.

In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."

However Paolo was not up to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra. What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own delirious moments of divine inspiration.

First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind and viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the third row and so on, like a row of dominoes. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet reakshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way for the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like the hand of fate, burning his lips and face and knocking him mercifully unconscious.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. For the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.

The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch this!" you'd better duck!