Not really a joke but...
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it .
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
'Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.
Jokes, please.....
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englishangel
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I got this from Canada but it sure rings a bell with me.
Passport Application (Real Letter!)
You have got to love this one!!!!!
Maybe we should forward this with our applications!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sh1t!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this B.S! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh1t sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh1t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the @#%in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on
the blasted picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (@#%in morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA!!!
Passport Application (Real Letter!)
You have got to love this one!!!!!
Maybe we should forward this with our applications!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sh1t!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this B.S! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh1t sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh1t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the @#%in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on
the blasted picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (@#%in morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA!!!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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englishangel
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J.R.
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Tom had been in the drinks business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come.
About five o'clock".
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ...... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business I can drink with the best of em."
Again the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, really beginning to warm to the whole idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear ?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come.
About five o'clock".
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ...... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business I can drink with the best of em."
Again the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, really beginning to warm to the whole idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear ?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son ! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question ?"
"What, my son ?"
*
*
*
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over ?"
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son ! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question ?"
"What, my son ?"
*
*
*
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over ?"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
A dad on his way home wants to buy his daughter a barbie.He stops at a toyshop and notices a shopping barbie,beach barbie,and disco barbie which were all £19.95.He notices a divorce barbie for £264.95. "Why is this one so much more?" he asks.The salesman answers, thats because divorce barbie comes with ken`s car,ken`s boat,ken`s computer,ken`s house,ken`s furniture and even ken`s ****ing best mate!
A nice xmas joke ..........
A nice xmas joke ..........
haj
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John Knight
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Mid A 15
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- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.
Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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Mid A 15
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The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the old folk’s home, and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the
watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.........................
"sh1t!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the old folk’s home...
It was entertainment night at the old folk’s home, and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the
watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.........................
"sh1t!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the old folk’s home...
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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Mid A 15
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no comework today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no comework today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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englishangel
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Mrs C.
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Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 Employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
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englishangel
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J.R.
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STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel,man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .and........"(pausing to take another drink of beer).
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh1t - What are you doing for the next generation ?"
The applause was resounding.
I love senior citizens.
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel,man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .and........"(pausing to take another drink of beer).
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh1t - What are you doing for the next generation ?"
The applause was resounding.
I love senior citizens.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.