Jokes, please.....

[John Knight]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano,
and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust
of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'No sh1t!' says the man,
'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

[englishangel]

Not exactly a joke, and not really funny, but I am one sick puppy.

http://www.funny-base.com/videos/946-ho ... opter.html

Do you think this qualifies for the Darwin Awards?

[Mid A 15]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer andCamilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for hiswife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight ******?!"

[Mid A 15]

What's the difference between a tea bag and the England football team?



















A tea bag stays in the cup......

[J.R.]

What's the difference between a tea bag and the England football team?



A tea bag stays in the cup......

I've just printed off the new England Football Team flag.

The three Lions have been replaced by three tampons, because...........




England have just had the worst period ever !

[Mid A 15]

A little old lady is standing at a zebra crossing laden down with a shopping trolley and eight carrier bags. At that moment Brian Barwick goes past, he says 'can you manage, dear?'

The old lady says 'f*** off, I don't want the job'

[englishangel]

I like that one.

[J.R.]

Am I fick, or wot ?

I don't get it !

[Ajarn Philip]

Am I fick, or wot ?

I don't get it !

Brian Barwick = Chief Executive of the FA... (at least for the time being)

Probably a useful name to know in the football management business!

[englishangel]

and that from a man on the other side of the world

[J.R.]

Arr ! Of Course - The FA.

An organisation that has the same initials that describe how efficiet they are !

[J.R.]

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.

At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.


When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"


"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied....................





"I'm a gynaecologist"...

[Mid A 15]

letters sent to Viz





IF the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bl**dy nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond

[cj]

Hooray for Viz!! It was a staple in Thornton A during the 80s.

[J.R.]

... and I just LOVE the 'Fat Slags', (reading of their adventures, that is !)