Jokes, please.....

[John Knight]

VIZ top 13 letters...

John,
#6 is the best laugh that I have had for a long time!

[J.R.]

Retired at Last !!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in here for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a Sh1t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We went into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so very important at our age !!

[J.R.]

On Trial For Murder

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st ?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him ?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not ?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then ?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not ?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years !

Defense Attorney:
What happened next ?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you ?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool! " And that's when I shot him, the little b@stard !

[englishangel]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives?
By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found inner peace, The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our health of the stress we have in our lives.
Jeremy Kyle proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates............You have no idea how good I feel!!!! The man is a genius!

[J.R.]

What is Sex ?

An out-of-breath 6-year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had caused the sudden curiosity.

His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs !"

[J.R.]

Quickie of the day, ('specially for the girls !)

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, some jerk pulled out in front of them.

The blonde put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing ?"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn !!"

[J.R.]

THE PAINTER !

There was a painter named Harry who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.

Harry put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Harry was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Harry clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Harry was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do ?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)







"Repaint ! - Repaint ! And thin no more !!!"

[englishangel]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
























(you'll love this one...................)

































































'Mop and bucket, Till 5

[englishangel]

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS!!!!!! (More than likely dead now!)

A boy asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are brides wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The boy thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

He asks, "Dad, why are brides wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, ALL household appliances come in white."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[englishangel]

Subject: Boasting!!!


Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their Hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera For two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,"Girls, I've got a confession to make.

I was just tryin g to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband
didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a bike."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.

[J.R.]

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son along with their own (ex) daughter in law who was his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved as yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay anyway.

Two grandsons are meant to be away fighting in the Army but are always out at nightclubs getting wrecked. The family's odd antics are always in the papers.




They are out of control. ..........




Honestly - who'd WANT to live near Windsor Castle ?

[J.R.]

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[J.R.]

Don't know why, but here's some more!

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle ?
Shine a torch into her ear...

Oh, here's another...

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

And the last one for today...

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience of pain and bought jewellery.

[jhopgood]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[jhopgood]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......
==========================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.