Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Australian bricklayer report

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[John Knight]

Australian bricklayer report

Ah, I often wondered where Victor Borge got his comedy material from...

[midget]

Gerard Hoffnung, spoken version of "Bricklayer's Lament" given at the Oxford Union Dec4 1958, based on an Irish song. Glad to see the Aussies have got in on the act. Hoffnung's version is still occasionally broadcast on radio, and still makes me cry with laughter.

Maggie

[jhopgood]

Gerard Hoffnung, spoken version of "Bricklayer's Lament" given at the Oxford Union Dec4 1958, based on an Irish song. Glad to see the Aussies have got in on the act. Hoffnung's version is still occasionally broadcast on radio, and still makes me cry with laughter.

Maggie

We used to play this at CH in the 1960's together with other Hoffnung stuff. His books were very popular.
I have it on a BBC tape, together with interviews with Hoffnung, his guide for visitors to the Festival of Britain (1951) with such gems as "Ignore all left and right signs, they are merely political slogans" and "Be sure to shake everyone's hand on entering a railway carriage".
There is also "French Widows", letters received from Tyrolean landladies, with the Austrian version of Engrish.
I am surprised JR did not hear it at CH.
Typical of the Aussies to reissue as new after 50 years.

[sejintenej]

Gerard Hoffnung, spoken version of "Bricklayer's Lament" given at the Oxford Union Dec4 1958, based on an Irish song. Glad to see the Aussies have got in on the act. Hoffnung's version is still occasionally broadcast on radio, and still makes me cry with laughter.

Maggie

We used to play this at CH in the 1960's together with other Hoffnung stuff. His books were very popular.
I have it on a BBC tape, together with interviews with Hoffnung, his guide for visitors to the Festival of Britain (1951) with such gems as "Ignore all left and right signs, they are merely political slogans" and "Be sure to shake everyone's hand on entering a railway carriage".
There is also "French Widows", letters received from Tyrolean landladies, with the Austrian version of Engrish.
I am surprised JR did not hear it at CH.
Typical of the Aussies to reissue as new after 50 years.

Why are you surprised? I have to assume that he was either on the radio or on vinyl records.

In Col A (and other houses had their own rules) the radio could be played only between 6.30 pm and 7.15pm (ie before prep). The school banned every form of record absolutely unless the particular recording had been approved in advance and AFAIR no recording of anything was ever approved for import past the school gate.

Hence there was no chance we would be allowed to hear Hoffnung.

[jhopgood]

Gerard Hoffnung, spoken version of "Bricklayer's Lament" given at the Oxford Union Dec4 1958, based on an Irish song. Glad to see the Aussies have got in on the act. Hoffnung's version is still occasionally broadcast on radio, and still makes me cry with laughter.

Maggie

We used to play this at CH in the 1960's together with other Hoffnung stuff. His books were very popular.
I have it on a BBC tape, together with interviews with Hoffnung, his guide for visitors to the Festival of Britain (1951) with such gems as "Ignore all left and right signs, they are merely political slogans" and "Be sure to shake everyone's hand on entering a railway carriage".
There is also "French Widows", letters received from Tyrolean landladies, with the Austrian version of Engrish.
I am surprised JR did not hear it at CH.
Typical of the Aussies to reissue as new after 50 years.

Why are you surprised? I have to assume that he was either on the radio or on vinyl records.

In Col A (and other houses had their own rules) the radio could be played only between 6.30 pm and 7.15pm (ie before prep). The school banned every form of record absolutely unless the particular recording had been approved in advance and AFAIR no recording of anything was ever approved for import past the school gate.

Hence there was no chance we would be allowed to hear Hoffnung.

All I can say is that I am relieved to have been in Barnes B. (59 - 66 so a contemporary of JR).
We definitely had records on from about 6.30 to 8.00pm every Saturday, where I heard and got to like an assortment of music ranging from the classics to Cannonball Adderley and Milt Jackson, an LP I spent ages looking for, and Booker T and the MG's. Once a term we were allowed "pop" music.
It may well be that those with a study just opened their doors but I seem to remember a record player at the top end of the dayroom.
Must have been tough in Col A.

[sejintenej]

All I can say is that I am relieved to have been in Barnes B. (59 - 66 so a contemporary of JR).
We definitely had records on from about 6.30 to 8.00pm every Saturday, where I heard and got to like an assortment of music ranging from the classics to Cannonball Adderley and Milt Jackson, an LP I spent ages looking for, and Booker T and the MG's. Once a term we were allowed "pop" music.
It may well be that those with a study just opened their doors but I seem to remember a record player at the top end of the dayroom.
Must have been tough in Col A.

Seems that Barnes B simply ignored the ruling. I still remember the front page headline in the Daily Sketch (then equivalent to today's Daily Mail) "The School which bans the Pops". That would have been in about 1960. Certainly in Col A we had grecians who used to play pops full blast in their studies during prep which didn't help studies.

[J.R.]

I think we had access to an illicit record player in Coleridge B.

I know I absolutely fell in love with Dave Brubeck's 'Take 5' at C.H. and one of my dormitory mates was a fanatical Del Shannon and Connie Francis Fan.

A lot of us had the new-fangled small battery transistor radio's with an ear-piece so we could listen to Radio (208) Luxenberg under the sheets.

Rememeber Horace Batchelor and his sure-fire pools system ?

[englishangel]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

[englishangel]

Sometimes the truth hurts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The congregation roared, and the preacher fainted.

[cj]

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[englishangel]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in Beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

> 1) Argued over nothing.
> 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
> 3) Gained weight.
> 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
> 5) Became overly emotional.
> 6) Couldn't drive.
> 7) Failed to think rationally
> 8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[jhopgood]

Threat Levels Raised

Australian Federal Police Bulletin

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[jhopgood]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in Beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

At first I was worried by this, given my surname, but then, if the family opened a pub in Plumstead in the 1850's, and the Hopgood descendants are still around, it can't be too serious.

[jhopgood]

VIZ top 13 letters...


1. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b*****ds!!!

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'C' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

5. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

6. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

7. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

8. The government says that there are nearly 54,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s**s?

John Campbell

9. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!

Mike Woods

10. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie

11. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

12. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

13. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London