Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President ?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning ?"
"Why, Mr. President !" the waitress exclaims "How rude ! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton !"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..........
"It's pronounced, 'Quiche' !"
Jokes, please.....
Moderator: Moderators
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p1ssing and moaning.
Just thought you'd like to know.
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p1ssing and moaning.
Just thought you'd like to know.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
Subject: Telephone History
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientist dug to a depth of 20 meters and shortly after headlines in
the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of
2000 year old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications
network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After
digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists
have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that
5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientist dug to a depth of 20 meters and shortly after headlines in
the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of
2000 year old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications
network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After
digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists
have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that
5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
-
marty
- Grecian
- Posts: 838
- Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:29 pm
- Real Name: Marty E
- Location: Buckinghamshire
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads
objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them
all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads
objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them
all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S !marty wrote:Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads
objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them
all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
...and I hadn't heard that opne before.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
A letter of thanks to 'Tide Detergent'
_____________________
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mum always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better ! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and un-caring husband started to be-little me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse ! I grabbed my bottle of 'Tide With Bleach Alternative , and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out !
In fact the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my solicitor called and told me that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief ! Going through the menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, I've got to go now as I have to write to the 'Hefty Bag' people.
A Very Satisfied Customer.
_____________________
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mum always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better ! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and un-caring husband started to be-little me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse ! I grabbed my bottle of 'Tide With Bleach Alternative , and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out !
In fact the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my solicitor called and told me that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief ! Going through the menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, I've got to go now as I have to write to the 'Hefty Bag' people.
A Very Satisfied Customer.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the Congregation said, "Amen."
After 6 children this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the Congregation said, "Amen."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
Jehovahs witnesses
Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.
They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close.
Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.
They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close.
Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
-
John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 20 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 20 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
I love this one !!
_________________
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron ?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like !!"
_________________
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron ?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
-
John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
-
englishangel
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 6956
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
- Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
- Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
The IR decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IR office. The IR auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
-
Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3189
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Like it!englishangel wrote:The IR decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IR office. The IR auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
-
Mid A 15
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 3189
- Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
- Real Name: Claude Rains
- Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bl**dy hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bl**dy hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72