Jokes, please.....

[Mid A 15]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
> The Ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

> Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

> "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
> "Is it common? "
> "It's not unusual."

> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
> "No, because he's really heavy"

> "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

> So I went to the dentist.
> He said "Say Aaah."
> I said "Why?"
> He said "My dog's died.'"

> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> 'Who's speaking please?'
> And a voice said 'You are.'"

> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

> "So I rang up a local building firm,
> I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
> so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.

> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
> said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
> And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
> again.' And I swerved again.
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
> And I went into a tree.
> And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.

> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
> And the dentist said to me
> Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
> I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
> "Does this taste funny to you?"

> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
> They charged one and let the other one off.

> "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice."

> A man walked into the doctors,
> The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
> The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>
> A man walked into the doctors,
> he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
> The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
> He wasn't very happy.

> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

> I bought some HP sauce the other day.
> It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

> Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

> Phone answering machine message -
> "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> He was pulled under by a strong currant.

> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
> He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
> The doctor replied, "I know, I've had to cut your arms off".

> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .

> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
> They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
> that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
> Police say that he topped himself.

> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
> The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

> Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
> Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
> expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night....

[J.R.]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS !

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool ?

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it ?

4. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes ?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled ?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages ? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with ?

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist ?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one ?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed ?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP ?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks ?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men ?

! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks ?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office ? What are we supposed to do, write to them ? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for ?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag ?

21 If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose ?

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS" ?



Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you !

[englishangel]

A husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that feels good.", she says.

His hand moves to her breast.
"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says.

His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs.

But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???

"I found the remote..." he replied

[J.R.]

The Philosophy of Life.
__________________

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - YES!

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your football team --things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the bedside light.

"Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers !"

[marty]

Pakistan are to stop playing international cricket. They're going to take up bob sleighing instead...

[blondie95]

A husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that feels good.", she says.

His hand moves to her breast.
"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says.

His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs.

But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???

"I found the remote..." he replied

That is very funny, its made me smile a lot

[J.R.]

Pakistan are to stop playing international cricket. They're going to take up bob sleighing instead...

Absolutely brilliant, Marty !!

I had to read it twice before the penny dropped !

[marty]

Thanks, JR - that actually came from my aunt of all people!

A word of warning now. Never log in to a chatroom pretending to be a horse. A friend of mine who did this got chatting to a seemingly trustworthy man. In fact it turned out that this man was just trying to groom him.

[cj]

Some important financial news:

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

[cj]

A doctor of Psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself".
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[J.R.]

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

[J.R.]

An Essex blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen ?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What ?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger ?"

"No, silly !" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid £3,000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So, then ?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid £2,000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then ?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[John Knight]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog
and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[englishangel]

You are one sick bunny!

[John Knight]

You are one sick bunny!

Having spent my working life flying, I know what they mean. - Ha!
When we used to have visitors on the flight deck, one of the faq's was "Is it frightening as this 747 roars down the runway?"
Our answer was "We don't know as we all have our hands over our eyes"