Jokes, please.....
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J.R.
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A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3 o'clock in the morning !" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that ?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him " she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there !"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. ! He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there ?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push ?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please !" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you ?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing !" replies the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3 o'clock in the morning !" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that ?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him " she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there !"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. ! He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there ?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push ?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please !" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you ?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing !" replies the drunk.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Did I read that sign right ?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Over a urinal in a men's room:
WILL BUCKS WITH SHORT HORNS PLEASE STAND UP CLOSE ?
THE NEXT MAN MAY HAVE HOLES IN HIS SHOES !
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Over a urinal in a men's room:
WILL BUCKS WITH SHORT HORNS PLEASE STAND UP CLOSE ?
THE NEXT MAN MAY HAVE HOLES IN HIS SHOES !
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Any of you who have studied the so called Chav cult will love these......
Chav jokes !
Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut ?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins ?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex ?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl ?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box ?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet ?
A. Sorted.
Q. What do you call a chav in a suit
A. "Will the defendant please rise ?"
Q. Why did the chav cross the road ?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit ?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him ?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night ?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's ?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving ?
A. The policeman !
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox ?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river ?
A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out ?
A. Up the ar*e.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame ?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCE's ?
A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job ?
A. Bigmac please.
Q. What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl ?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Chav jokes !
Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut ?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins ?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex ?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl ?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box ?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet ?
A. Sorted.
Q. What do you call a chav in a suit
A. "Will the defendant please rise ?"
Q. Why did the chav cross the road ?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit ?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him ?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night ?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's ?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving ?
A. The policeman !
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox ?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river ?
A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out ?
A. Up the ar*e.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame ?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCE's ?
A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job ?
A. Bigmac please.
Q. What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl ?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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It takes all kinds
T OP 8 MORONS
1 . WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
T OP 8 MORONS
1 . WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Mid A 15
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you? " Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action." Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" 1955, ma'am.
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax him several times." Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action." Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" 1955, ma'am.
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax him several times." Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
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J.R.
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Another Sergeant-Major was walking through Soho and accosted a lady of easy virtue.
"Madam ! How much would you charge for the pleasure of my Company ?"
"£30 !" Came the reply.
At which, the Sergeant-Major turned, ram-rod stiff, and shouted....
"COMPANY - ATTEN-SHUN !"
"Madam ! How much would you charge for the pleasure of my Company ?"
"£30 !" Came the reply.
At which, the Sergeant-Major turned, ram-rod stiff, and shouted....
"COMPANY - ATTEN-SHUN !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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sejintenej
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Not Amy, but still badly written by various sources
Do not park your car at the taxi stand or it will be towed away. (No wonder I can never find a taxi rank).
:
"Where do the girls live? Our answer has been simplicity itself; assign girls to regular dormitories, thus removing them from use by boys". Annual Report from a (so-called) famous boarding school
In 1970 he bought control of the company's stock, along with his mother.
I might not always be right but I'm never wrong (Sam Goldwyn)
Pastor aghast at First Lady sex position. (and we worried about Clinton)
and lastly, looking into the future: Iraqi head seeks arms
Do not park your car at the taxi stand or it will be towed away. (No wonder I can never find a taxi rank).
:
"Where do the girls live? Our answer has been simplicity itself; assign girls to regular dormitories, thus removing them from use by boys". Annual Report from a (so-called) famous boarding school
In 1970 he bought control of the company's stock, along with his mother.
I might not always be right but I'm never wrong (Sam Goldwyn)
Pastor aghast at First Lady sex position. (and we worried about Clinton)
and lastly, looking into the future: Iraqi head seeks arms
-
J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
FOR LEXOPHILES: Read Carefully
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. A short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye !!!
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
NOTE : No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. A short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye !!!
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
NOTE : No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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ben ashton
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J.R.
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- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Religion Test Results
This is very funny.....but who the hell WERE the Finkelsteins ??
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
This is very funny.....but who the hell WERE the Finkelsteins ??
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.............
This made him a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
This made him a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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jhopgood
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1886
- Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
- Real Name: John Hopgood
- Location: Benimeli, Alicante
What Is Herpes?
Two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, were walking along the street.
Ruth says to Golda, "My son Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"Ruth answers, "I don't know, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's passed time he settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth.
"Ruth, keinahurra! (Thank goodness!) I found it. Not to worry! It says: 'Herpes is a disease of the gentiles.'"
Two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, were walking along the street.
Ruth says to Golda, "My son Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"Ruth answers, "I don't know, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's passed time he settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth.
"Ruth, keinahurra! (Thank goodness!) I found it. Not to worry! It says: 'Herpes is a disease of the gentiles.'"
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jhopgood
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1886
- Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
- Real Name: John Hopgood
- Location: Benimeli, Alicante
For those going to the Concert next week
Christmas Eve Accident
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Christmas Eve Accident
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
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ben ashton
- Grecian
- Posts: 504
- Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2004 12:11 pm
- Real Name: ben ashton
- Location: Woolwich, London
- Contact: