Clever exam answers....it's that time of year again!

[jtaylor]

With the GCSE/A-Level exams approaching, these have started appearing again on email - examples of funny or clever exams questions...

Saw this one today that was new to me:-

A College student was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible that included Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She received an A+ for:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

J

[J.R.]

Enjoy these little gems, from one of my Wife's mates in the U. S.
___________________

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic !

1. Don't change horses................................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the .....................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before ..................... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how ?

6. Don't bite the hand that ......................... looks dirty.

7. No news......................................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ................ math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ..................................... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs.

13. An idle mind is ..................................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ............... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who .............................. gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ................................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's ......................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ................... get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you ...see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ..................get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one !

25. Better late than........................................pregnant.

[dogger]

I`ve never understood why the examinations boards produce, for example, a 12 page question/answer booklet, only half of which is actually printed on - the rest bears the classic phrase "BLANK PAGE", which of course it isn`t, but would have been if they hadn`t printed that on it!!!!!

[Mrs C.]

As a regular invigilator of school exams for several years now, I sometimes wonder about the level of intelligence of people sitting the exams.

Examples include:

The 16 year old boy who asked me if the shape he was pointing to was a triangle (it was obviously a square !! - and , no, I didn`t tell him!)

Same boy telling me that he`d answered the questions out of order- did it matter? (answers were written in the spaces provided on the paper - as if the marker would know!)

The student who walked into Big School , wrote his name on the paper, put his head on the desk and slept through the whole of the exam.

The students who run out of answer paper and ask what to do (answer - write on your arm? or ASK FOR MORE!!!)

There are others but can`t think of any atm!
And these are Old Blues!

[marty]

I was absolutely useless at physics and remember one question which asked us to describe this circuit. The question was worded along the lines of: "Describe a circuit that has..." and then went to list a load of features of the circuit. Not having a clue about what it meant I simply answered the question by saying, "well this circuit would have..." and then copied out the rest of the question, word for word. I know it wasn't what they meant but I wasn't technically wrong either as I was describing the features they'd already provided. I got a B!!

[englishangel]

I just loved these. I hope you don't mind I have copied them onto an email to all my mates.

And won from my son when he was 6.

The local carnival is usually led by an all girl marching band, and this particular year the drum major was a young lady of (shall we say) ample proportions. The band then went on to entertain us during the afternoon on the recreation grouund. Late in the afternoon I suggested to the children that we went home as things were finishing. " Oh no" says said son "It isn't over yet, the girl who throws the stick in the air hasn't sung yet".

Cue collapse of parents in fits of laughter

[matthew]

I`ve never understood why the examinations boards produce, for example, a 12 page question/answer booklet, only half of which is actually printed on - the rest bears the classic phrase "BLANK PAGE", which of course it isn`t, but would have been if they hadn`t printed that on it!!!!!

That's so you know it's intentionally blank and not a printing error.

Pedantically, 'blank page' is wrong, but it's hard to think of a better wording that doesn't sound forced.

'There are no questions on this page' is the best I can do right now. It's still not perfect, because a page with no questions might still contain information essential to the exam.

[jtaylor]

"This page intentionally only contains this sentence"??

There was an equivalent list to the above one, or amusing replies/edits to the "Blank Page" words....I'll try and dig it out..

J

[jtaylor]

Slightly off-topic but some of these were pretty good...


Beautiful One-Liners

1.)THE CHURCH IS PRAYER-CONDITIONED
2.)DON'T WAIT FOR SIX STRONG MEN TO TAKE YOU TO CHURCH
3.)WARNING: EXPOSURE TO THE SON MAY PREVENT BURNING
4.)PLAN AHEAD-IT WASN'T RAINING WHEN NOAH BUILT THE ARK
5.)SUFFERING FROM TRUTH DECAY? BRUSH UP ON YOUR BIBLE
6.)EXERCISE DAILY-WALK WITH THE LORD
7.)GIVE GOD WHAT'S RIGHT-NOT WHATS LEFT
8.)MAN'S WAY LEADS TO A HOPELESS END-GOD'S WAY LEADS TO A ENDLESS HOPE
9.)A LOT OF KNEELING WILL KEEP YOU IN GOOD STANDING
10.)HE WHO KNEELS BFORE GOD CAN STAND BEFORE ANYONE
11.)IN THE SENTENCE OF LIFE, THE DEVIL MAY BE THE COMMA, BUT NEVER LET HIM BE THE PERIOD.
12.)DON'T PUT A QUESTION MARK WHERE GOD PUTS A PERIOD
13.)ARE YOU WRINKLED WITH BURDEN? COME TO CHURCH FOR A FACE-LIFT
14.)WHEN PRAYING, DON'T GIVE GOD INSTRUCTIONS-JUST REPORT FOR DUTY
15.)WE DON'T CHANGE GOD'S MESSAGE-HIS MESAGE CHANGES US
16.)WHEN GOD ORDAINS, HE SUSTAINS
17.)MOST PEOPLE WANT TO SERVE GOD,BUT ONLY IN AN ADVISORY POSITION
18.)NEVER GIVE THE DEVIL A RIDE-HE WILL ALWAYZ WANNA DRIVE
19.)NOTHING ELES RUINS THE TRUTH LIKE STRETCHING IT
20.)COMPASSION IS DIFFCULT TO GIVE AWAY BECAUSE IT KEEPS COMING BACK
21.)HE WHO ANGERS YOU CONTROLS YOU
22.)WORRY IS THE DARKROOM IN WHICH NEGATIVES CAN DEVELOP
23.)GIVE SATAN AN INCH AND HE'LL BA A RULER
24.)BE YE FISHERS OF MEN-YOU CATCH THEM AND HE'LL CLEAN THEM
25.)GOD DOESN'T CALL THE QUALIFIED-HE QUALIFIES THE CALLED
26.)READ THE BIBLE-IT WILL SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

[Richard Ruck]

Outed!

Julian is a Television Evangelist, and I claim my jar of fake tan,peroxide-blonde 'wife' with dazzling teeth and the bank account in the Cayman Islands.....

[J.R.]

Outed!

Julian is a Television Evangelist, and I claim my jar of fake tan,peroxide-blonde 'wife' with dazzling teeth and the bank account in the Cayman Islands.....

Richard ! You took the words right out of my mouth !!

What next Julian ?? 'Songs of Praise' ??

[jtaylor]

I think we should all just praise the Lord....

Nothing else, just praise him......

And then we can just this and just that and do all the justing we could ever want....

I'll just shut up now..........

J

[DavebytheSea]

Two gems from my early teaching career.

1. "The Holy Roman Empire consisted of about 300 small states. Some were very small indeed being no bigger than an archbishop's prick." (13 yr old girl)

2. "Julius Caesar crossed the Channul with many vecils, veculs, vessuls, botes" (11 yr old boy - and the words underscored were in fact crossed out)

........................ and my most embarassing moment as a teacher? A long story, but it involved a warm sultry September afternoon in my second year as a young teacher, an extremely boring history lesson and a rather pretty pre-pubescent girl called Zoe R*****.

Well, the class was virtually asleep as was the teacher (me) - bored to tears and all wanting to play outside in the Cornish late summer sunshine. In an attempt to inject a little life into the situation, this inexperienced novice arose (mistake) and wandered through the ranks of desks firing the occasional question at the more somnolent of his charges. The said Zoe was one such miscreant and failed utterly to answer the question having paid but scant attention to the tedious instruction being given.

Raising my hand (more in resignation than in any attempt to threaten injury on the child) I said "Oh Zoe .............. that won't do!".

She smiled up at me with a sweet honey freckled smile and said,
"Don't you 'it me Zur!" she said, "See if you 'it me, Zur, I'll 'it ee back - tit fer tat, see!"

Oh the pride that comes before a fall! Proud of my full 6' 3" and drawing my hard won graduate's gown around me, i stood up straight and stern and said (I am still haunted by the horror of it nearly 50 years later),

"Zoe, my girl, you will find that my tat is a damn sight harder than your ...........". Realising at once the full awfulness of what I was about to say, I never did reach the end of the sentence - the class, after a moment's shocked silence, collapsed, of course, in an uncontrolled mirth while I, red-faced and shaking, fled to the comparative safety of the teacher's desk and attempted to restore order with a "turn to page 22 and copy out ... " type of instruction.



But playground duty was hell for weeks afterwards as nasty little boys would come up and nudge me with comments like,

"'Ow's yer tat today then, Sir?"

[J.R.]

Two gems from my early teaching career.

1. "The Holy Roman Empire consisted of about 300 small states. Some were very small indeed being no bigger than an archbishop's prick." (13 yr old girl)

2. "Julius Caesar crossed the Channul with many vecils, veculs, vessuls, botes" (11 yr old boy - and the words underscored were in fact crossed out)

........................ and my most embarassing moment as a teacher? A long story, but it involved a warm sultry September afternoon in my second year as a young teacher, an extremely boring history lesson and a rather pretty pre-pubescent girl called Zoe R*****.

Well, the class was virtually asleep as was the teacher (me) - bored to tears and all wanting to play outside in the Cornish late summer sunshine. In an attempt to inject a little life into the situation, this inexperienced novice arose (mistake) and wandered through the ranks of desks firing the occasional question at the more somnolent of his charges. The said Zoe was one such miscreant and failed utterly to answer the question having paid but scant attention to the tedious instruction being given.

Raising my hand (more in resignation than in any attempt to threaten injury on the child) I said "Oh Zoe .............. that won't do!".

She smiled up at me with a sweet honey freckled smile and said,
"Don't you 'it me Zur!" she said, "See if you 'it me, Zur, I'll 'it ee back - tit fer tat, see!"

Oh the pride that comes before a fall! Proud of my full 6' 3" and drawing my hard won graduate's gown around me, i stood up straight and stern and said (I am still haunted by the horror of it nearly 50 years later),

"Zoe, my girl, you will find that my tat is a damn sight harder than your ...........". Realising at once the full awfulness of what I was about to say, I never did reach the end of the sentence - the class, after a moment's shocked silence, collapsed, of course, in an uncontrolled mirth while I, red-faced and shaking, fled to the comparative safety of the teacher's desk and attempted to restore order with a "turn to page 22 and copy out ... " type of instruction.



But playground duty was hell for weeks afterwards as nasty little boys would come up and nudge me with comments like,

"'Ow's yer tat today then, Sir?"

Priceless, Dave !

Watch out Jethro doesn't nick that one !

[marty]

I attended a service in chapel once (can't remember what for) in which a young pupil was reading the lesson. He made the classic mistake of pronouncing the word "Gentiles" as "genitals" - most amusing!