accommodating teenagers

[michael scuffil]

In another forum to which I contribute (basically a German-English language forum, but it discusses social questions too), a sensible person with whom I am on PM terms, a German woman in her 20s with an Australian partner, living in Cambridge, posted this question (I simplify a little):

"My 14-year-old niece is coming to visit. She's bringing her 14-year-old best mate (a boy), with whom she insists she doesn't have a "relationship". I intend to accommodate them on a double futon on the living-room floor. My partner [i.e. the Australian] is horrified."

The question has generated a lot of posts, many from Germans mocking Anglo-Saxon prudery (what the Brits are most famous for in Germany); the Brits generally say: Hm, well, if their parents don't mind...; while I said: The flesh is weak, at least give them two sleeping bags.

I'd be interested to hear from this sensible and very British forum!

[sejintenej]

"My 14-year-old niece is coming to visit. She's bringing her 14-year-old best mate (a boy), with whom she insists she doesn't have a "relationship". I intend to accommodate them on a double futon on the living-room floor. My partner [i.e. the Australian] is horrified."
!

In allowing them to stay with you you are accepting a quasi-parental responsibility. They claim that there is no relationship (and implicitly the parents have not told you that there is one). They are both 14 and the law does not accept that they are capable of making decisions about serious matters and, were it become known that you were complicit in pushing the two together then Social Services could well take an interest. I assume you are strapped for space and this is the best you can do.

OTOH how mature are each of them? I have come across 14 year old boys who were more mature and able to take responsibility than many 20 year olds.
Going back in history elsewhere in Britain it was customary to see how well an engaged couple got on by putting them in the bed together - one above and one below the sheet (if you understand me).

Michael; in the end it comes down to you to decide what YOU consider acceptable. What foreigners think about English mores is not relevent in this case. You might even be saved by a stand-up row between them before bedtime!

[michael scuffil]

David

These people are nothing to do with me. I was merely quoting from another forum, where the question has aroused cross-cultural interest. So I thought I'd bring the gist of it to a (more or less) purely British forum, to get another take on it.

[anniexf]

Michael, I wouldn't allow them to share the same bed at that age. For one thing, they're both below the (British) legal age of consent, so if any hormones got going and the inevitable happened, then the adults who allowed this situation would be held culpable in law. Possibly, if the girl got pregnant, her parents could sue the adults for child neglect - I don't know if this is correct, but it's best to cover all the angles.
Never mind the German view of English "prudery" ( are they aware we've got one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the developed world?), I'd concentrate on the legal aspects and keep them apart. If they do have sex anyway it couldn't be said, then, that they were "encouraged" to, or that there was a laissez-faire attitude in the house.

[Jo]

With the caveat that I don't have any kids and generally that leads parents to explosions of horror that I should dare to venture an opinion... I wouldn't even consider it.

I'm pretty broad-minded - I live with my partner and have no intention of marrying him, but we are turned 50 and reasonably mature adults (sometimes). My nephews in their 20s have lived/are living with their girlfriends and I don't have a problem with that either. But 14?? Come on They may well not be in a relationship but it is kind of giving the impression that it's acceptable, and they're way below the age of consent in this country. I don't very often feel strongly about this type of issue, but I actually think she's mad to even contemplate it.

[Kim2s70-77]

Don't do it! I am a parent of 5, step parent of 2 and a grandmother. I am broadminded - but have definitely gained some wisdom over the years. I am also a therapist - and used to specialize in the adolescent population. Their hormones are raging - and the teenage definitions of 'sex' are very different from adult perspectives. It would be inviting problems and be a little like parking an alcoholic in a liquor store and hoping for good choices . Frontal lobe of brain not yet developed etc etc

[Fjgrogan]

If these two youngsters are adamant that they are not 'in a relationship' it could be terribly embarassing for them to be forced to share a bed anyway. Provide separate sleeping bags - if they decide to zip them together then that is their decision - your conscience will be clear!!

[J.R.]

If these two youngsters are adamant that they are not 'in a relationship' it could be terribly embarassing for them to be forced to share a bed anyway. Provide separate sleeping bags - if they decide to zip them together then that is their decision - your conscience will be clear!!

I agree with all posts on here.

David hinted at probably the most serious question.

THIS IS BRITAIN AND THEREFORE SUBJECT TO BRITISH LAW.

If there WAS a later accusation of illegal acts, the householder/s would certainly face charges. I do appreciate it is a very difficult question to answer.

[michael scuffil]

I believe the kids are German, like the aunt of the girl. The aunt, who posted the original question, did so because she was taken aback by the attitude of her Aussie boyfriend. But she now realizes (and I referred her to this thread after I'd started it) that it's a cultural thing, and not a personal hang-up on her boyfriend's part. In Germany, she thinks, and she may well be right, no one would bat an eyelid.

JR

Your post just arrived. It's not quite so clear cut... Someone on the other forum pointed this out when I said the same thing as you did:
"According to current Government guidance for health and social care professionals, although the age of consent is 16, it is not intended that the law should be used to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of similar age." (It's on a government website somewhere.)

[Jo]

I believe the kids are German, like the aunt of the girl. The aunt, who posted the original question, did so because she was taken aback by the attitude of her Aussie boyfriend. But she now realizes (and I referred her to this thread after I'd started it) that it's a cultural thing, and not a personal hang-up on her boyfriend's part. In Germany, she thinks, and she may well be right, no one would bat an eyelid.

Without being prurient Michael, I'm just interested - at what would Germans not bat an eyelid? Would they take the youngsters' word that they weren't "in a relationship" and trust them to leave each other alone? Or would they assume they'd have sex anyway but not think it was inappropriate for 14 year olds? And if the latter, what is their age of consent and does anyone pay any attention to it?

Just keen to know exactly the criteria on which we're labelled prudes

[J.R.]

I believe the kids are German, like the aunt of the girl. The aunt, who posted the original question, did so because she was taken aback by the attitude of her Aussie boyfriend. But she now realizes (and I referred her to this thread after I'd started it) that it's a cultural thing, and not a personal hang-up on her boyfriend's part. In Germany, she thinks, and she may well be right, no one would bat an eyelid.

JR

Your post just arrived. It's not quite so clear cut... Someone on the other forum pointed this out when I said the same thing as you did:
"According to current Government guidance for health and social care professionals, although the age of consent is 16, it is not intended that the law should be used to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of similar age." (It's on a government website somewhere.)

You're probably right about that Michael. Things have changed big-time since my time in the 'Force'

I would add, however, that even if the police showed no interest, I'm absolutely sure that Social Services would !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

It ain't just 14 year olds ------

My Grandson (22) will become a father in April, his Partner is 19

I am fine (Almost) with this, but I ponted out to him (We have a great relationship --- more like friends) -- that I diddn't expect to have to explain the "Birds and Bees " to him. --- nor the simple rules about avoiding pregnancy !

She is a lovely girl, with a Duke of Edinburgh's Gold ------ Obviously they should extend the syllabus !

[midget]

I think that in te UK it would be asking for trouble.

[englishangel]

It ain't just 14 year olds ------

My Grandson (22) will become a father in April, his Partner is 19

I am fine (Almost) with this, but I ponted out to him (We have a great relationship --- more like friends) -- that I diddn't expect to have to explain the "Birds and Bees " to him. --- nor the simple rules about avoiding pregnancy !

She is a lovely girl, with a Duke of Edinburgh's Gold ------ Obviously they should extend the syllabus !

Perhaps it was planned! They are both adults and unless you have to support them it is none of your business.

Having said that, my mother was heard to mutter when my sister-in-law announced her 10th pregnancy (to be fair she had miscarried 5 of them) "I thought I taught your brother about contraception". Result - a son after 4 daughters though I don't think that was the thinking behind it.



I have allowed my 16 year olds to share a bed, they don't have to share a bed to have sex, and they don't have to have sex if they share a bed ( I am not a Grandmother yet), but 14 IS too young especially if they are not your own.

[J.R.]

It ain't just 14 year olds ------

My Grandson (22) will become a father in April, his Partner is 19

I am fine (Almost) with this, but I ponted out to him (We have a great relationship --- more like friends) -- that I diddn't expect to have to explain the "Birds and Bees " to him. --- nor the simple rules about avoiding pregnancy !

She is a lovely girl, with a Duke of Edinburgh's Gold ------ Obviously they should extend the syllabus !

Jan was 17 when we MARRIED !