Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

In the current climate -----

A man complained to his Neighbour, that the Neighbour's Son's name was written in urine on his lawn, in the snow ---

"Well we all did that sort of thing a teenagers "

"Yes --- but it is in my daughter's handwriting !! "

[J.R.]

With the festive season soon upon us, I thought the following may be useful!
Health & Safety Guidance on Festive Songs:

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear FFP2 dust masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Dust masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

[jhopgood]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[J.R.]

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's" ?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet...
He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so ?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,
"They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves ?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my Wellie's".


She will be eligible for parole in three years !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Oh yes --- I emphasise !

We have a new G.G.Daughter due in April ---- and her UNCLE is 2 !!!!!

[englishangel]

What do you call a brilliant Aussie cricketer? Retired.

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne in his hand? A waiter!

What do you call an Aussie cricketer with an average of 100? The bowler.



Call me superstitious but I didn't want to post these yesterday.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Brave words ------

When a man steals your wife -- there is no better revenge, than to let him !

By all means marry --- if you get a good wife you will be happy --- if you get a bad one, you will become a Philosopher !
(Socrates)

I had some words with my wife --- and she had some paragraphs with me !
(Sigmund Freud)

The best way to remember your wife's Birthday --- is to forget it ------------ ONCE !
(Nash)

Some people ask the success of our long marriage -------We take time to go to a Restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight Dinner, soft music and Dancing ------
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've had bad luck with both my wives ------ the first one left me ----- the second didn't !
(James Holt McGavra)



And finally -------

Two secrets to keep your Marriage brimming ------

When you are wrong -- admit it !
When you are right --- Shut up !!

I shall now retire to my Chauvinist Bunker -----and cower !!!

[Mid A 15]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you?" "Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault." "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road," she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me." "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg." "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant. "Yes," said the lady, "I think he was an Aussie Cricketer." "That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "did you work that out from his accent?" "No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

[englishangel]

[anniexf]

A phone call came in to the Aussie dressing room:

"Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?"

"Sorry, he's just gone out to bat."

"That's ok, I'll hold."

[jhopgood]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack was not what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year. Mick said Let's hope it's not the 13th then.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. (Get it, slow vac? Oh never mind!)

A prostitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn't have a womb. I asked how we would do it then and she said Acwos the woad against the wailings...

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone . What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think.

My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk... Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season.

I just met a man with a strange hobby, he collects empty bottles. Sounds much nicer than alcoholic.

[jhopgood]

Seniors Bus Tours

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again . . . . he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'


It pays to be careful around old people!!!

[Mid A 15]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?


To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
Asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[sejintenej]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give
me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the
only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He
gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you
drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't
drinking beer, neither would I."
--

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

This is TRUE -------

A friend of mine, has achieved a doormat which reads "WELCOME"

lovely underwear !