Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

...........And there's more:

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team ?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely sh1t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 @rse-holes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill ? - Robert Green has got a cap for his.

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.

[J.R.]

THESE REALLY WORK !!

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.?

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

[jhopgood]

After a southern gent had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece uh ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did fur me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[J.R.]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dan, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Dan must have experienced.

"Dan was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dan's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dan. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Dan is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked If anyone else had something to say..

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dan."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[jhopgood]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[kerrensimmonds]

You've probably seen the two greetings cards :-
a) Two nuns in a car on a dark night - a fearsome angry beast -the devil - appears in the headlights. 'Quick, Sister, show him your cross' says one. The other shouts out 'P*ss off, you t*ss*r!"

b) Nun to Mother Superior : 'Mother, I am afraid we have a case of syphilis in the convent'.
Mother Superior : 'Thank God. I am fed up with the Beaujolais'

[J.R.]

Two Nuns sitting in the bath.

1st Nun:- "Where's the soap ?"
2nd Nun:- "Yes it does, doesn't it ?"

[barwen]

Chauvinist ?

Onboard an aircraft bound for the U.S. the Captain announces over the tannoy system " I dont know how to tell you all but we have just lost all four engines and are about to crash. There is little chance that any of us will survive this, so I would suggest that you make your peace with God and say your farewells to those close to you".

A woman in her fifties travelling alone turns and looks at the male passenger sitting next to her. She stands up removes her blouse and says to the bemused looking chap " Make me feel like a woman for the last time". In response he stands up, removes his shirt and says "Iron this".

[J.R.]

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.
"That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary.
"Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman.

[barwen]

When questioning her son as to why he had been sent home early from school the boy replied, " Miss sent me home because I had a wee in the swimming pool". "But there are lots of boys who have had a wee in the swimming pool" mum replied. " Not from the top diving board", replied the boy!!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

We might have had this before ----

Little boy tells mother --- "Theres a dead cat in the Garden"

How do you know it's dead ?"

"I pissed in it's ear

"YOU DID WHAT ???"

"I bent down and went "Psssst" in it's ear --- and it didn't move"

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

From one of my Ugandan friends -----

When I am born -- I am Black
When I grow up --- I am Black
When I am angry--- I am Black
When I go out in the Sun-- I am Black
When I am cold --- I am Black
When I am sick --- I am black
When I am frightened -- I am Black
When I die --- I am B;ack


Now see here Whit Feller ----

When you are born-- you are Pink
When you grow up--- you are White
When you are angry -- you are Purple
When you go out in the Sun-- you are Red
When you are cold you are Blue
When you are sick--- you are Green
When you are frightened-- you are Yellow
When you die-- you are Grey


And you call ME "coloured" ???




I love this chap, when I was showing him around Saliabury Market --- He asked -- with a perfectly straight face ---


Should I carry this bag on my head ?
As an "Old Colonial" I had the giggles !!

[englishangel]

Not a joke, just an observation.

Followed a Portaloo cleaning truck this morning. Licence plate LO04BOG.

[bap]

Similarly, I saw a portaloo lorry with the slogan "No jobbies too small" lol

[kerrensimmonds]

then there's the sign outside our nearest fam shop :-

LO CAL TOMATOES