Jokes, please.....

[Requested Removal 18]

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with £96,000..

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major
who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of
my willy to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em',
which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's willy
and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
testicles?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'The Falklands.'

[englishangel]

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

& Variation Law
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[J.R.]

After realising I had to boil loads of water for sprouts this Christmas, I went to go to Curry’s and asked, "Can someone sell me a kettle ?"

The bloke said "Kenwood"

I said, "Well, where is he then ?"

[J.R.]

I told my Mum that I'd opened a theatre.

She said, "Are you having me on ????"

I said, "Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything !"

[englishangel]

The Confessional Box

An Irishman goes into the confessional box and he finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replied "Get out, you idiot, you’re on my side."

[J.R.]

TIGER WOODS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1. Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards……..

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger !

8. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

9.Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver ?

10.This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

11.Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

12.After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree !

[englishangel]

Number 11.

The curse of Gillette.

David Beckham (whatever happened to him?)
Thierry Henry (le main de Dieu)
Roger Federer lost in ATP finals last week
Tiger Woods!!!!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A plaintive cry from the Confessional ------

"Is there any toilet paper on your side ? "


Worthy Moderator -- is that permitted ?

[englishangel]

as far as I'm concerned, if Dave Allen said it, (or could have) it's allowed.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I know this is dated -- and requires some "Reader Participation" but I still think it is droll !

George W was concerned as to whether Obama bin Laden was still alive, and kept asking the CIA.
Obama, himself, decided to write a personal letter to George W. in his own handwriting,to let him know that he was still around.
When George W opened the letter -- it contained a single line of coded message

37OH-SSV-O773H

All were baffled , it was sent to the CIA, tothe FBI, failing which, it went to M16 and Mossad --- no joy !

eventually they sent it to the Australian Intelligence ----- who immediately de-coded it ----- and gave advice ---

Tell him he's holding it upside down !!!

(Write it out -- and try for yourself ! )

[englishangel]

Bome mibtake burely.

[J.R.]

TIGER WOODS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1. Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards……..

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger !

8. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

9.Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver ?

10.This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

11.Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

12.After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree !

............AND HERE ARE A FEW MORE !!!

........

13.we now see that tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesnt fare very well on the driveway

14.Tiger's wife used a 5 iron on his Escalade not knowing a 3 wood would cause more damage.

15.Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.

16.Today, Ping Golf announced it is signing Ms. Woods to an multi-million dollar naming and endorsement deal for it's new line of women's fairway woods. Their new slogan; "Elin Woods - clubs you can beat Tiger with"

17.About Golf: What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

18. Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.

19.Tiger Woods drives into a water hazard

20. I find it’s a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the trees.

[englishangel]

I don't know how he ever found the time (or energy) to actually play golf, he was so busy playing a round.

[CHAZ]

Not a joke but more of a life lesson

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.




When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and start to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.




The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"

[CHAZ]

If you read my previous post about Golf Balls, then there is probably a Tiger link in their somewhere. I'll let someone conjure up a new beauty there...

10 suspects so only 8 holes ( ) to go in this extraodianry round of...er .golf?