Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

RATHER APPROPRIATE !!!

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to Heaven, ' says St. Peter.' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '

' No problem, just let me in.' says the man.

' Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '

' Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven.' says the MP.

' I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

' Now it's time to visit heaven. '

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

' Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. '

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened ?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning........





Today you voted. '

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I shall probably (Certainly !) be in trouble again but ------ I cannot see the point of playing any game, unless I am trying to win.

The idea of "It's not the Winning it's the Taking part" philosophy, was designed for, and is practised by losers.

Although I have not always won (My 33rd fight resulted in a good hiding and Diabetes !) I have skilfully avoided games, at which I am no good.
eg: Cricket and Soccer.

Even when teaching my Sons to play Chess, I handicapped myself, by removing some of my own pieces, and when they beat me --- with all pieces present -- their joy and sense of achievement, was unfettered !!!

Mine may not be the attitude of a "Good Sport" but if I am beaten, it is not because I was being polite !!

[midget]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.



Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.



The boy coughs up two of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.



A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.



Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "



“No,” the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue ....”

[Kim2s70-77]

Very timely!! April 15th is Tax day here!

[englishangel]

I shall probably (Certainly !) be in trouble again but ------ I cannot see the point of playing any game, unless I am trying to win.

The idea of "It's not the Winning it's the Taking part" philosophy, was designed for, and is practised by losers.

Although I have not always won (My 33rd fight resulted in a good hiding and Diabetes !) I have skilfully avoided games, at which I am no good.
eg: Cricket and Soccer.

Even when teaching my Sons to play Chess, I handicapped myself, by removing some of my own pieces, and when they beat me --- with all pieces present -- their joy and sense of achievement, was unfettered !!!

Mine may not be the attitude of a "Good Sport" but if I am beaten, it is not because I was being polite !!

Let's forget the Olympics then, because only those anticipating a medal should enter, and for heaven's sake keep all those non-League teams out of the FA cup

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

But don't the English always favour the "Underdog" ?

I rest my case

[englishangel]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to **** off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A man, in the Middle East, buys a Donkey.
The vendor tells him that it is an excellent donkey, but has been owned by a Christian.
To proceed, you must shout "Hallelujah" and to stop you murmer "Amen"


The Man takes the donkey into the Desert --- and has a wondeful day, with the donkey obeying his commands.

Felling confident, he keeps shouting "Hallelujah" ! and the donkey gallops faster and faster.

Suddenly the man sees that they are approaching a Precipice -- so he murmurs "Amen" ---- "Amen"" -- "Amenn"" "AMEN !!!"
the donkey stops about two inches from the edge -----



"Hallelujah !!"

[CHAZ]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............






"We're down here ."

[J.R.]

Another contribution from one of Jan's Scottish friends !

You need to 'think' with a broad Glasgow accent.

What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer ?
A wee hard man.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shoolders'

Hear about the stupit skindiver ?
He didny have a scuba.

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ?
Gupty Singh !

A wee woman from Glasgow’s West End was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh. She phoned room service for some pepper. 'Black pepper, or white pepper ?' asked the concierge.

'Toilet pepper !' yelled the woman.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

That was terrible ---- but hilarious !!

[J.R.]

That was terrible ---- but hilarious !!

I must admit, Neill, I had to read a couple of 'em TWICE before the penny dropped !

[lonelymom]

This has probably been put on here somewhere before, but I couldn't find it, and it makes me giggle:



BBQ RULES

It is important for you to know the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

MY LIVING WILL --

Last night, my best friend and I were sitting in the Den, and I said to her " I never want to be in that Vegetative State, dependent on a Machine and fluids from a Bottle, to keep me alive ---- that would be no quality of Life at all --- if that ever happens, just pull the plug " !




So she got up -- unplugged the Computer and threw my Whiskey out of the Window ------


She's such a bitch !!!



(Given to me by a Lady at Church --- Chair of the Mother's Union !!!! )

[midget]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”


The other woman responds proudly, “Yes, I sure am!”



The first one says, “So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?”


The other woman answers, “I'm from Dublin, I am.”

The first one responds, “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”


The first one says, “Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”

The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other woman answers, “Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.”

The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”



About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”

Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”