Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge!

[J.R.]

OK, so it's an American funny, but still amusing !!

____________________________

When Mrs. Toombs ' husband recently retired he would accompanied her whenever she went shopping. Not long after he started to go with her on a regular basis she received the following letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Toombs,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Albert Toombs has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Toombs have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO:Re: Mr. Albert Toombs - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Toombs has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3 in housewares.....and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his " Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least !)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !"

[cj]

That's given me a few ideas on how to embarrass the children when out in public!

[bap]

Be aware of this, I had a lucky escape.....

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old git dressed in Orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

[J.R.]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter -- and supply a new definition.

The 2005 winners were:

1. Cashtration (n.): the act of buying or building a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): a person who's both stupid and an assh*Le.
3. Intaxication (n.): euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation (n.): coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n.): vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis (n.): terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis (n.): a degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon (n.): It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): the gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido (n.): all talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect (n.): the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): the colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

AND...

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are...

1. Coffee: the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted: appalled to discover how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade: to attempt to explain while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly: impotent.
6. Negligent: absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. (Well done Cherie!)
7. Lymph: to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle: olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle: a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism: the belief that after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[John Knight]

A DRIVER weaving erratically down the road was asked by the police officer
who pulled him over to breathe into a breathalyser, but he declined and
produced a letter from his doctor which stated: "This man suffers from
terrible asthma. Please don't make him perform any action that'll leave him
short of breath."
So the officer asked for a blood sample, but then a second letter was
produced which said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to
bleed in any way."
Exasperated the officer said he would need a urine sample, but at that a
third letter was flourished in which was written: "This man plays cricket
for England. Please don't take the piss out of him."

[Mid A 15]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
John
that my breasts are just too small. Instead of telling me it's not so,
he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want 'em to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and
rub it between 'em for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

A few years," John replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man ...

[J.R.]

Four of the largest Insurance Companies decided they were going to amalgamate.

The one problem they had was that the four boards could not agree on a new company logo to represent them and all they stood for, to the public and the media.

They decided to hire a firm of PR consultants and designers and at great expense, get them to come up with some creative ideas.

After great effort, at the next joint meeting of the boards, the Creative Director appeared with the new logo.

It consisted of four squares with a man and woman in bed in each square.

The Boards couldn't understand it all, and demanded an interpretation.

"Well," said the Creative Director "We have come up with a concept which encapsulates the activities of the four organisations gives them equal precedence.

In the top left hand square there is a man in bed with his wife, this represents LEGAL & GENERAL.

In the top right square there is a man in bed with his fiance, and this represents MUTUAL TRUST.

The bottom left square shows a man in bed with his secretary and this represents EMPLOYERS LIABILITY.

The bottom right square shows a man in bed with a prostitute and this represents COMMERCIAL UNION."

[J.R.]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 Hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door! And asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has To wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said.......

"Your house !!"

[Stan]

Not jokes in the conventional sense but quite amusing.

The following excerpts are actual answers given on History tests and in
Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. They
were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers and of course,
spelling.


******************************************************************

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

******************************************************************

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached
Canada but the commandos made it.

*****************************************************************

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like
he was sort of busy too.

*****************************************************************
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.

***************************************************************

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits,
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv
now.

***************************************************************

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.

*************************************************************

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

*************************************************************

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.

***********************************************************

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes
and started smoking.

**********************************************************

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was very dangerous to all his men.

************************************************************

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

************************************************************

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.> They lived in
Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was
having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.

***********************************************************

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

************************************************************

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.

**************************************************************

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.

**************************************************************

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe
the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

**************************************************************

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

***************************************************************

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

*************************************************************

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to
spring up.

***************************************************************

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

***************************************************************

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it
was
really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

****************************************************************

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get
to
find radios because they were already taken.

*******************************************************************
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

****************************************************************

[cj]

Simply wonderful! If only more of us thought like that.

[englishangel]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah; not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

[midget]

Fred took his dog to the cinema. At a funny bit the dog laughed like mad with the rest of the audience, at a sad bit the dog sobbed out loud, and ao on to the end of the film. At the end Fred walked out with his dog, and a man who had been sitting two rows behind rushed up to him.
"That's amazing" he said "It really looked as though your dog was enjoying the film".

Fred said "Yes it really is amazing













He hated the book"

[Mid A 15]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender
delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"


The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."


"Hanging? Who are they hanging ?"


"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.


"What kind of a name is that ?" the cowboy asked.


"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper
shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."


"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for ?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.

[englishangel]

That is such a silly joke, I love it.