Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Subject: Frank
> >
> >
> > The Taxi Ride
> >
> >
> >
> > A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time." "Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."
> >
> > Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."> >
> >
> > Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

> > Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"> >

> > Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. * He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

> > Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
> >
> > Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and
avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."> >
> >
> > Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

> > Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect
man!"
> >
> > Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
> >
> > Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
> >
> > Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Cabbie: "I married his b****y widow."
>

Nice one

I received this from JR this morning (blame him)

Health & Safety Humbug Warning - Christmas Cards.
This envelope contains a Christmas card which may be offensive to some religions.
Laughing may be dangerous to certain health conditions.
May contain traces of nuts – licked by somebody who ate some.
May display sharp edges when opened – wear correct safety protection.
Glue on stamp may contain toxic substances.
Made of paper which is inflammable – do not store near naked lights or high temperatures – turn down central heating 3 degrees.
Read by date 25/12/06.
Display until 06/01/07.
Do not exceed Display By Date.
Contents 237.5 calories Saturated fat 0.005%

and another from JR.

I wanted to extend Christmas greetings to all of you, so I ran it past my Legal Department, as per procedure, and this is what I got back...........

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law.

Anyway - have a good one !

A Joke for those who are married!!!


A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
compartment on an overnight sleeper-train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly
He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach
into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up
here."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****ing blanket!"

There was a stunned silence.

Then he farted

Some classic one liners from Harry Hill:

"I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face."
"The trouble with heroin is... it's very moreish."
"Apparently you can tell a lot about people from what they're like."
"I have a really nice stepladder. Sadly, I never knew my real ladder."
"If you drop a Bible on a field mouse, it'll kill it. So maybe the Bible's not all good?"
"Is it just me, or does anyone else get the amount you're allowed to drink when you're driving mixed up with the amount you're allowed to take through customs?"
"What is it about people that repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys? Try going in there with a shoe shaped like a key and see how confused they get."
"My dad used to say - Always fight fire with fire. Which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade."
"My nan has a picture of the United Kingdom tattooed all over her body. You can say what you like about my nan, but at least you know where you are with her."
"What is it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? It's so 1920's."
"Remember the shouts of SCAB! During the great dermatologists strike... Don't pickit!"
"Last night I had a lovely quattro formaggi pizza. Bit cheesy ."
"My auntie used to say - What you can't see can't hurt you. She died of radiation poisoning a few months back."
"I don't wear a watch. I want my arms to weigh the same."
"Hitler was a bad man. Winston Churchill was a good man. But if you were in a balloon with Hitler and Churchill, and you were losing altitude..."
"Isn't it embarrassing when you cough up a hairball and it isn't your colour?"

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to p1ss on your fireworks ! So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there ? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there ?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate !"

"Continental ?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city ! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there ?"

We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great ! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge !"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

"He said: 'Where'd you get that sh1t Hairdo ?' "

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

1: I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. you still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in? .
16.you'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

AND FINALLY..............

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

(if this offends, it's all in yer mind !!)

If Terry Wogan can get away with it with 'Janet and John'!!!!!!



A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike
the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair
of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for
herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron
sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:


Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones
with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove,
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of
fur showing

Miss Hunter, the church organist, was in her seventies and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Hunter," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said:-

Place contents on the organ,
Keep it wet, and it will prevent the spread of disease.

And you know what ????? . . ... I haven't had a cold all winter."

Here's hoping you have a healthy winter!!

More actual 'Family Fortunes' answers !!!

A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."
A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."
An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."
A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."
A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."
A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."
An animal with horns: "A bee..."
A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."
Something made of wool: "A sheep.."
Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."
Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."
An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."
Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."
Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."
A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."
A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."
A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are
blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")
Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."
A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."
A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."
A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."
A famous Dick: "Carrot.."
A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."
Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."
A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."
A yellow fruit: "Orange.."
An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."
Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."
Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."
A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."
Something you beat: "An apple.."
Something associated with rain: "Water.."
An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."
Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."
A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."
A popular TV soap: "Dove.."
Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."
Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."
A fast animal: "A hippo.."
Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."
Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
Something that has a shell: "Batman.."
Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."
Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."
Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."
A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."
A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."
A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."
An animal with big ears: "A bear.."
Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."
Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."
A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."
Something you pull: "A potato.."
An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."
A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."
A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."
A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."
Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation
Game.."
A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."
Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."
A type of record: "A floppy disk.."
A type of large cat: "Persian.."
A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."
Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."
An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."
A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."
Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."
A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."
A game played in the dark: "Charades.."
Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."
A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."
A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."
Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."
A famous royal: "Mail.."
Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."
An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."
Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."
A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."
One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."
A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."
Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."
A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."
A type of cut: "Skull.."
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."
Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."
A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."
A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."
Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."
A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."
A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."
Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."
Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."
Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."
A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."
Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."
A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."
A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."
A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."
Something red: "My cardigan.."
Something with a hole in it: "A window.."
Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."
Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."
A domestic animal: "A leopard.."
Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."
Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."
Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about ?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced !" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME ?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fare."

This may upset some feminists. Not a bad thing necessarily. In mitigation my wife sent it to me as well as her girlfriends.

Special thanks to J.R. for the things you can only say at Christmas. It was much appreciated at work.





Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.




Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are ****ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

J.R. wrote:A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary ....

I love this one.

I was sent this by a forum member who disclaims all rsponsibility.

But it shouldn't be too hard to guess.


EVE'S TALK WITH GOD:

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve ?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve ?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"A Man ? What is that Lord ?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord ?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord ?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have
to be our little secret........you know, woman to woman !