'Elf n Safety gorn mad !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Back to carols ---

When I was young, I always wondered why "Orientar" had to have three kings -- nowadays I realise it had to be a Condominium (Sudan) or a Triumvirate.

We three Kings of Orientar
Bearing gifts, we travel afar
Field and Fountain, moor and mountain,
Following yonder Star

A gift of Gold, may be acceptable -- as it may be redeemed at a later date, through such organisations as "Cash for Gold"
Gifts of Frankinsence and Myrrh, are not appropriate, due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested Gift Alternative might be a donation to a worthy cause -- or a gift voucher.
Travelling Kings should not rely on Stellar Navigation. since the "Star" would appear, during the night hours, to move from East to West --- the route taken would describe a series of semi-circles. The use of an RAC Routefinder would be preferable, providing advice on the quickest route and also fuel consumption by camels. The use of a SatNav would probably find them in Helsinki.
The Guidelines for Mr/Mrs/ms Donkey, would apply to the Camels,as also would the wearing of face-masks in the Desert dust, caused by the camel's progress.

[Barnes Mum]

Another seasonal one I was sent this morning.



HEALTH & SAFETY: HSE Guidance for the singing of 'Festive Songs' The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

[Fjgrogan]

Be aware also that if Rudolph has antlers at this time of year, regardless of the apparently masculine name, it will in fact be a female, and may not take kindly therefore to being referred to as Mr Reindeer.

[mvgrogan]

just caught up with this thread and you are all NUTS!! but it's great.... Now that Hanna's birthday is well & truly over, I can start thinking about Christmas and stopping chanting Bah Humbug quite so often. This definitely helps....


We have recently gained a Sat Nav.... having taught Hanna (now 4) her left from her right, she sits in the back of the car telling Daddy which way to turn.... "Turn right now, Daddy"... I wonder if that voice could be added to a real SatNav??

I do like the thought of the 3 kings arriving in Helsinki - but this is a republic, you know... not sure what to do with all that royalty at once!! The Swedish Royal family were recently transferred along the coast from the president's palace in something that looked like a floating tank!

re: KELA box - they are great but I feel sorry for bubs arriving now - that snowsuit will fit sometime around midsummer! Xander's is good right now and will be even better when the snow really gets going in Jan/Feb time.

[englishangel]

Back to 'Elfin Safety ---
I imagine the whole of the UK now knows about Poole's Plastic Christmas Tree (Radio 4, the One Show, TV News )

It replaced the genuine article this year, because "People" complained about the Guy Ropes and the accompanying Notice Boards, advising them of the danger of the said ropes --- H&S !

It is conical (A Typo for comical ?) about 30ft high, described as "An inverted Traffic Cone", hollow for maintenance and lights up at night.

I have no sympathy, under normal circumstances, with Poole Borough Council -- who are of a different Political Persuasion to myself --but you can't win can you ? --- at least it can be used next year !

I live about 100m outside Poole -- in the County of Dorset --- We would never have done that ---- Would we -- would we ???

Update

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/8400054.stm

[Vonny]

We managed a visit to Poole on Saturday and got to see THE tree. I even took a picture on my phone I actually quite liked it I had heard it had been vadalised but it all looked ok to me

[Fjgrogan]

I wonder how Norwegian fir trees manage to survive the Norwegian climate?!

[sejintenej]

I wonder how Norwegian fir trees manage to survive the Norwegian climate?!

Norway has a lot of ravines, rivers and therefore bridges. That is a huge amount of living space for trolls (aka Trows) even though they are big, fat and menacing even to other trows. (Everyone knows that trolls live under bridges and collect tolls from passing cyclists of whom there are a lot in summer).
They haven't learned to ski (that is sheeing in Trollsmol) so in the winter they can't get far because of the deep snow and often are caught in daylight and become fjells (mountain). Fjelltrolls are green and they have an affinity with the trees which thrive on their bodily warmth. Equally fjelltrolls get cold - that is why you only get fur trees in a few places in Norway and they are usually close to bridges or mountains.

Have you never seen Firs waving their limbs trying to keep warm just like humans? Sometimes they go a bit too far and wave their trunks (like elephants though how one learned from the other I don't know) so much that they break off.
Of course there is competition to be the Fir chosen to go on holiday to the Lunnon land where they say "Baby, it's cold outside". They know it must be nice because no tree has even come back. Otherwise they have to hope that some two-trunks will come an take them to lie besiade the hot fire; must be nice and warm because, again, none has even come back.

The world has a major problem; so many trolls have got caught out in the open that their warmth is causing the land to warm up. There is currently a major conference of trolls in Copenhagen to discuss how to control troll warmth thouigh I suspect that they will go back to beating their chests and demanding yet more bridges.

For more information see:

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgur ... N%26um%3D1

[Fjgrogan]

Thank you for that, David. right on topic too - Elfin safety!

[kerrensimmonds]

The Rocking Carol


Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.


Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.




Jingle Bells


Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.




While Shepherds Watched


While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.




Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer


Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.




Little Donkey


Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.




We Three Kings


We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.


Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed - This is definitely one for Social Services!

[englishangel]

erm Kerren, go back about 6 posts.

[kerrensimmonds]

Soreee

[englishangel]

Back to 'Elfin Safety ---
I imagine the whole of the UK now knows about Poole's Plastic Christmas Tree (Radio 4, the One Show, TV News )

It replaced the genuine article this year, because "People" complained about the Guy Ropes and the accompanying Notice Boards, advising them of the danger of the said ropes --- H&S !

It is conical (A Typo for comical ?) about 30ft high, described as "An inverted Traffic Cone", hollow for maintenance and lights up at night.

I have no sympathy, under normal circumstances, with Poole Borough Council -- who are of a different Political Persuasion to myself --but you can't win can you ? --- at least it can be used next year !

I live about 100m outside Poole -- in the County of Dorset --- We would never have done that ---- Would we -- would we ???

Update

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/8400054.stm

and another one

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/8401015.stm

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Re Trolls -----

TBA and I were on our way to Spitzbergen for her Birthday, which she wanted to celebrate in the "Midnight Sun" (June 24)
On the way "Up Norway" we visited the Troll Weg which is a horrendous series of hairpin bends, up the mountain.--------'Elfin Safety for Tourists ???
At the top, guess what ----- a stall selling Reindeer pelts and models of Trolls ---- Viva Enterprise !!

[Angela Woodford]

I'm so excited!

I've just seen a picture of the new streamlined based-on-the-Routemaster London bus - as revealed by fabulous Boris today. Health and Safety must have gorn mad! The bus has a hop on, hop off platform at the rear, complete with a pole from which to swing. Just like the olden days!

Remember the perilous swinging from that pole in order to jump off before the bus had stopped properly? Remember leaping off at the traffic lights? And the button to stop the bus (ping-ping!) that you could press just before you jumped?

And the conductor standing there fiercely, to prevent the whole queue cramming itself in? "All right laydees'n' gennelmen, full up now, another one alongina minute." Ping-ping!

Actually, I don't suppose there will be a real conductor. (Move right down the bus now, move right down...) I can't see Health and Safety giving in on that one.

Ping-ping!