Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

After marrying a young woman, a ninety-six-year-old gentleman told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"EXACTLY!" replied the doctor.

Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken onto a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury.

He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' you honest sonsie face,

Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thaim,

Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,

As lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thank it."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the third patient who immediately begins to declaim,

"Wee sleek it, cow' in, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!"

Alarmed, Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the Burns Unit."

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. His mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1...

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy

He knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2...

Dear God,

This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend, Leroy

He knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3...

Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend, Leroy

He knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, he wrote another letter.

Letter 4...

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you, Leroy

He knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now, He was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. His mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," she told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went into the church and up to the altar, looked around to see if anyone was there, bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5...

Dear God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

These are actual quotes taken from Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

WOMAN’S DIARY

Thursday 20th September 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or what I was saying. I just knew something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to ask to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was a problem but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He followed me up later and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN’S DIARY

Thursday 20th September 2005

Spurs lost to Grimsby. Gutted. Got a shag though.

^^ See post whoring, why use one, when two will do...

Absolutely, and why leave it when you can make a comment?

englishangel wrote:Absolutely, and why leave it when you can make a comment?

Is that anything like making a commitment ??

No, it's like making a cormorant.

Richard Ruck wrote:No, it's like making a cormorant.

Think I'll go for the sh@g, then !!

Earwig go again.....

All the usual bullocks...

did you hear about the Irish wood worm????














he lived in a brick....

And the Irishman who owned a paper shop???







It blew away.......................