Jokes, please.....

[jhopgood]

Woman goes into a restaurant in small town...orders chicken, eats too fast and chokes on a bone.
Two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two and is grossed out. She vomits, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right, Billy-Bob, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

[Euterpe13]

A man worked many years ago in a food- canning factory.

One day he confessed to his wife that he had a terrible obsession: an irresistible impulse to put his penis in the cucumber slicer

Horrified, his wife told him he should see a psychologist.

The husband promised that he would think about it, but continued repeating and repeating to his wife the same story , until she was totally fed up with it , and said to him: -

Then stick it in the cucumber slicer and stop p**ssing me off! It’s your problem, not mine.

On the following day a depressed and very unhappy hubby arrives home

- What happened dear? – his wife asked him, imagining the worse.

- You remember my compulsion put my penis in the cucumber slicer?

- Oh no, tell me that you didn’t do it!

- Yes, I did.

- And what happened?

- They fired me.

- And what happened with the cucumber slicer – were you hurt?

. - Nooooooooo. But they fired her too….

[J.R.]

A guy is sitting at the bar alone, apart from his large dog laying beside his bar stool.

A teenage office-boy walks in, orders a drink and sits on another stool beside the guy with the dog.

They sit in silence for a while, when suddenly, the large dog shoves his head between its hind legs, and starts to vigorously and loudly, lick and wash its private parts.

After a moment, the young office boy says.

"You know ? I really wish I could do that !"

The dogs owner looks up slowly and replies,

"Give 'im a biscuit, and he'll probably let you !!"

[jhopgood]

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

[jhopgood]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[jhopgood]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[englishangel]

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity



A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account



A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived








And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . . .







. . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[englishangel]

Your Age By Chocolate Math..

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, its fun!





1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10)...





2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)...





3. Add 5. (for Sunday)...





4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator...






5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755...





If you haven't, add 1754..






6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born...






You should have a three digit number.



The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how
many times you want to have chocolate each week).





The next two numbers are..

This is so cool you will like this.

YOUR AGE! (OH YES, IT IS!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

[Mrs C.]

Strange - I received that in an email this morning!

[englishangel]

So did Euterpe13.

[Euterpe13]

So did Euterpe13.

yes- this forum thread owes much to Julie ... obviously has far too much time on her hands ! Did you get my snowball ?

[englishangel]

I got it from you and Julie.

Was a bit slow sending it on.

[Euterpe13]

I got it from you and Julie.

Was a bit slow sending it on.

just remember you cant send it backto either of us ... or you'll have a stand a round at the local pub...!

Is there any way of keeping score as to who gets snow-blasted the most?
B.
( yes, I'm getting back to work in a minute, don't nag ...)

[englishangel]

That's ok, siesta time

[englishangel]

Is there any way of keeping score as to who gets snow-blasted the most?
B.

Start a thread. I'll do it