Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Two Americans are enjoying a holiday in the UK and are having lunch in a fast food outlet.

Finding themselves in remote North Wales with an unpronounceable long name they call the waitress over...

"Heh, can you tell us where we are and pronounce it slowly for us?"

The waitress looks bemused and carries on chewing her gum for a few moments before saying....


"Buurrrr - - geerrrr------ Kiiinngg'








(well I liked it)

Teacher:


Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?


Little Johnny answered:



Drin-king, smo-king and bon-king

Probably some old, some new, but worth another view.........

Puns

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it"ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I"ll go on a head."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger."

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

The Moped vs The Ferrari

A hip young man goes out and buys the
best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO.
It is also most expensive car in the world,
and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a
red light. An old man on a moped
(both looking about 90 years old) pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over at the
sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies,
"A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped,
the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides
to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to
see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite
direction! And it looks like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy.
"How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back
of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young
man screeches to a stop, jumps out,
and sees it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath,
"Unhook ... my braces ... from your wing mirror ..."

The Porsche vs The Skinhead (circa 1968)

A wealthy upper class man goes out and buys the fastest car available: a Porsche

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. A skinhead is about to cross the road but decides to have a look at the car.
He taps on the window and when the driver winds down the window says: "Wot's that then?"

The driver replied, "A Porsche, fastest thing around here!"

"Oh yeah, how fast can it go then?"

"About 180 mph" was the reply.

"Nahh, that's not fast, even I can go faster than that"

"I doubt it but I´ll race you to the next light if you like" said the driver.

"You're on"

So off they set and the driver floors it, and within seconds the speedometer reads 120 mph.

Suddenly, he notices that the skinhead is right next to him.

The lights changed to red and they both came to a halt.

"Told ya' " said the skinhead.

"Ah, but I didn't have it up to speed" said the Porsche driver. "The next lights are a bit further, how about we go to them?"

"You're on" was the reply, so off they set.

Same result, the skinhead kept up with the Porsche.

"You know, the trouble is, I can't really get up to speed here in the city. Get in and we'll go to a quieter road out of the way and see how you get on there"

"No problem"

So the skinhead got in and off they went to a deserted airfield.

"Beat you to the end of the runway" said the Porsche owner.

"See ya" was the reply, and off they went.

Half way down the runway, and going at top speed, the Porsche driver suddenly noticed that the skinhead had stopped.
Turning round, he drove up and triumphantly said" I told you that at top speed, I had you beat."

" Nah" was they reply.

"I was saving meself and would have beaten yer, but I had a blow out in me plimsoll."

WEE SCOTTISH JOKE

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bl**dy car in the garage this time?"

Paddy was walking down the road when he see's his mate Murphy walking towards him carrying a bag of Doughnuts ,

Tell you what says Paddy ,If I can guess how many Doughnuts you have in that bag can I have one of them ?

Murphy says.... If you can guess how many doughnuts I have I'll let you have them both

Paddy says ..........Four !

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on'.

*Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:**



An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss,
a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.




*The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"**

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.


Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water........the barman raises a shotgun and fires, narrowly missing the man........ the man puts a tip on the bar, says 'thanks' and walks out.

Why??????






He had hiccups!!!!

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in East London . A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing".

An elderly man goes to see his doctor: He says "You've got to help me. For weeks I've been farting almost non-stop. Luckily they are silent and odorless, but its still embarrassing. In fact, just since I've been here I must have farted ten times." The doctor nods and then says "I'm writing you a prescription. Try it for two weeks and then come back."
Two weeks later the old man returns, and he is furious. "I'm farting just as much as ever, but now they stink!"
The doctor pulls our his prescription pad, and says "Okay, it seems we've cured your sinus infection; now lets see if we can reverse your hearing loss"

The commanding officer at the Russian Military Academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

A cadet stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another cadet asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third cadet remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an armed forces' capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, a voice was heard from the back of the auditorium.

It asked : "Do we have enough Jews?"