Jokes, please.....

[midget]

A local farm advertises "FREE RANGE POTATOES" I think I would prefer the sedentary sort.

[J.R.]

then there's the sign outside our nearest fam shop :-

LO CAL TOMATOES

Did you mean LOCAL FAN SHOP, Kerrern ?

[kerrensimmonds]

arrrrr
(r)

[J.R.]

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his Todger, so he goes to see his GP.


'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him.



'You know how rugby players and boxers get cauliflower ear ?'



'Yes,' the man replies shakily.



'Well,' the doctor continues....................





'You've got a brothel sprout !!'

[J.R.]

A professor at the Auburn University in Sydney was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts ?'

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost ?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's really is fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?'

Way in the back row, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience !'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost ?'



Ahmed replied, " Oh forgive me ! From way back there I thought you said GOAT !!"

[J.R.]

I'm sure I've posted this before in the distant past. However....................

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago ?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did..' 'Why do you ask ?'




'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you ?.... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day !!)

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A joke, from my time in a Jewish Community --

The Rabbi, opens the box, to take out the Torah, on Saturday, and a little mouse runs out.
Being a kindly Rabbi, he sets up a humane trap, and the following Saturday catches the mouse, and deposits it, som distance away, in another Town.

Next Saturday -- the mouse is there again --- and this continues each week.

The Rabbi is at a loss, and cosults the Synagogue Council ---"What should I do ?"

A voice form the back ------ "Give it a Barmitzvah ---- and you'll never see it again ! "



This could, of course, be translated into a Church --------- Baptise it --- -

[kerrensimmonds]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
-----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy was driving home, the worse for wear, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For pete’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.






-------------------------------------------------------------


Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout

[J.R.]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb ?


One to pose a question about changing light bulbs and later to post that the light bulb has been changed.
One to offer a simple way to change the light bulb.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
One to move it to the Lighting section.
Two to argue then move it to the Electrical section.
Seven to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
Three to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too."
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago ?".
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
and one to link to a Microsoft Knowledge Base article stating that light bulbs can no longer be changed since Microsoft have defined darkness to be the new standard.

[MKM]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb ?

You forgot:

One forum member to hijack the thread to reminisce about light bulbs at Hertford. We weren't allowed to read in bed because the light bulbs were so dim.
Two forum members to reassure prospective parents that light bulbs at Horsham today meet all modern standards.
Three forum members to protest that the light bulbs at their local comprehensive are just as good.
Four forum members to confess that they were stealing the light bulbs from the underground passages and selling them in the local pub.
Five forum members who still light their houses with bulbs bought from that pub.
Six forum members searching on ebay for light bulbs with the CH crest.
Seven forum members arguing about whether "light bulb" is allowed on the Mallet's Mallet thread. It's supposed to be just one word.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Guilty --- as charged M'Lud !

[englishangel]

One of the best ever posted, well done John and Mary.

p.s.

If you have energy saving lightbulbs you should only need to post this every five years.

[kerrensimmonds]

Hurrumph. Not a joke....
I just decluttered my house trying to sell, and hid away the furniture including one of the two either side of the bed table lamps (both had energy saving bulbs).The house looks enticingly empty (though no one has so far come forward to say so) but the one lamp left by one side of the bed does not give me enough light to read by, when I go to bed. AArrggh!!!!

[Fjgrogan]

Sorry, this is not a joke, but a serious comment on light bulbs ............ I ordered from Tesco online (with my groceries) some light bulbs, which were apparently out of stock so they sent a substitution; however I had ordered screw fitting bulbs, and they substituted bayonet fitting bulbs!! Re Kerren's bedside light problem - I had a touch lamp by my bed with varying intensities of light, until the bulb had to be replaced; the new-fangled replacement will not work as a dimmer (or whatever the opposite of a dimmer is); nor would it switch off without pulling out the plug, which was nowhere near my bed, so I abandoned the lamp. But thanks to the advice of sejintenej (or whatever he calls himself!!!) it is now back in commission. He suggested that I insert an inline switch, which I did, fairly close to the lampbase. It worked - still no dimmer function, but at least I have my reading light back.

All that is of course a classic example of taking an original posting completely off topic!!! Sorry I can't think of a joke to redeem the situation!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

How to start a fight ------

Taking the Wife to a Restaurant for dinner ---
"I'll have the Rump Steak -- very Rare"
"Very well Sir -- but aren't you worried about Mad Cow Disease ?"
Nah ! She can order for herself !!


A man leaves his Wife in bed -- so that he can go fishing --
He hitches the trailer to the car and backs out of the garage into a tropical downpour.
he drives the outfit back into the garage, and returns to bed, snuggling up to the back of his Wife -------

"Can you believe, that idiot of a Husband of mine -- has gone fishing in this weather ?"