Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

A Professor has found after extensive research there are 2 sizes of penis amongst UK men.

There are those which fall within the normal size range & those which are less than 2 inches while erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

"Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars!"

I've just got ONE massive Flag of St George draped on the front of my house !

(I'll Say no more, nudge nudge, wink wink !!) !!

[englishangel]

Do you also have the T-shirt from Tesco I bought for my son "The best Tackle in town".

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

THANK YOU ___ THANK YOU !!
Having returned, wounded, in the Balkans (Should I re-phrase that ? )

I was vastly cheered up by all the new Posts on the Jokes Topic !!!

[J.R.]

THANK YOU ___ THANK YOU !!
Having returned, wounded, in the Balkans (Should I re-phrase that ? )

I was vastly cheered up by all the new Posts on the Jokes Topic !!!

Nearly as painful as being picked up by the fuzz, so I'm told !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

There was an assassination in Kotor, Montenegro, and (It gets worse ---) I tripped over a Bollard !

How can one explain the event without people believing that you have made it up ?


"I was wounded in the Balkans by tripping over a bollard !" --------- I ask you !!

[J.R.]

To quote a very funny sketch.

1st Man:"I tripped over one of those concrete posts on the pavement !"

2nd Man: "Bollards !!"

1st Man: "No - It's true. It hurt like hell !"[/i]

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

They walk among us ---- and BREED !

Qiuz questions -- and answers ---

What is George Bush's first name ? ------ deep thought ---- Edmund ?

Which is largest , A peanut, ann Elephant or the Moon ?

Unbelievably, the contestant used up all her "Lives" (Which all produced the same answer) and said "I think you are all against me --- I'm going with my best instinct --- An Elephant !

A man wanted to get rid of his old fridge --- so he put it in his front garden with a notice " FREE to take away"

After two weeks, he replaced the notice with "Fridge for sale -- £50 "

It was stolen that night !

Aman was lookikng at a house, and asked the Estate Agent, which was North, as he didn't want the Sun to wake him in the morning.
She asked "Does the Sun rise in the North ?
He explained that it rises in the East --- and has done for some time.
She shook her head and replied "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff "

We saw a woman with a nose ring attached to her ear by a chain "Doesn't that tear her ear, when she turns her head ?

THEY ALSO VOTE !!!

[englishangel]

Aman was lookikng at a house, and asked the Estate Agent, which was North, as he didn't want the Sun to wake him in the morning.
She asked "Does the Sun rise in the North ?
He explained that it rises in the East --- and has done for some time.
She shook her head and replied "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff "

I had this, in a back garden at midday, brilliant sunshine directly on the back of the house. Woman asks "which way does the garden face?" with a pointed look at the sun and a straight face I said "due south", and she asked me if I was sure. I thought her husband was going to explode he was trying so hard not to laugh. They didn't buy it though.

[jhopgood]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.

'Hand me da shovel.'

[Mid A 15]

Weather forecast:

Make the most of the good weather its due to end within the week there's a shower of sh1t coming in from South Africa

[Mid A 15]

David Blaine was said to be in tears today as his record of doing f**k all in a box for 42 days has been beaten by Wayne Rooney

[Mid A 15]

In the jungle, the African jungle, 3 Lions sleep tonight, 'Cause in the morning, the early morning, they have to catch a flight.... no win away, no win away, no win away, no win away . . . . .oo,oo-oo,oo-oo, ha,ha,ha,ha-ha...!

[J.R.]

OK - HERE THEY ARE !"!!

"The England football team have just arrived back at Glasgow Airport to a heroes welcome !"

"SEVERE WEATHER WARNING ! There is a real threat of severe flooding in the North of England. This is due to the Scots p1ssing themselves laughing. "

"The police have discovered how a trespasser got into the England dressing room. An England goal-keeper was on the door."

"The proposed new shirt sponsor for the England football team has just withdrawn their offer. A spokesman for WINALOT refused to make any comment !"

"Oxo have bought out a new packaging for their product with the Cross of St George on all sides of the box. It'll now be known as The Laughing Stock !"

"The new telephone number for the English FA Headquaters is now 0800 - Won Nil Won Nil Won Nil."

[englishangel]

Optical Illusions

[englishangel]

POLICE STATEMENT - A man has been found in a River this morning wearing an England shirt, womens knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow up doll at the end of his todger and a dildo stuck up his a**e. Police have removed his shirt to save the family any embarassment.