Jokes, please.....

[midget]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"


He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


George said, "Okay."


He hung up the phone and counted to 30.


Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry
about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at
the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

ANAGRAMS ---
PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER = MOON STARER

DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES = THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE + HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINE =CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY =IS NO AMITY

A DECIMAL POINT = IM A DOT IN PLACE

MOTHER IN LAW = WOMAN HITLER

And SPECIALLY for Today !! -------- ELECTION RESULTS = LIES_ LETS RECOUNT !

[J.R.]

SEX AT 82 !



I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82 !





I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73, so it's not far to walk home afterwards !

[J.R.]

Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of:

Gonorrhea Lectim

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.

It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im." The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 1997 .... but now many people, after having been infected for the past 13 years, are starting to realise how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vot-emout ! You take the first dose/step TODAY May 6th 2010 , and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Please tell all those people who need this antidote.

[J.R.]

Charley, a new retire-ee greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

‘’Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there ?”






“They said, ‘Good morning General, can I get you coffee, sir ?’”

[jhopgood]

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done

[anniexf]

[jhopgood]

Why Italian men pass their handguns down through the family...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man ...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[englishangel]

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

[John Knight]

Coloured

When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I get hot, I am black.
When I get cold, I am black.
When I am sick, I am black.
When I die, I am black.

When you were born, You were pink.
When you grew up, You were white.
When you get hot, You go red.
When you get cold, You go blue.
When you are sick, You go purple.
When you die, You go green.

AND YET YOU HAVE THE CHEEK TO CALL ME COLOURED!!!

by an Anonymous pupil of King Edward VI School, Birmingham, UK.

[J.R.]

THIS IS INDEED WORRYING NEWS !


Beer contains female hormones. Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take ! a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :


1) Argued over nothing.


2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.


4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional


6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally.


Had to sit down while urinating.


NO FURTHER TESTING WAS DEEMED NECESSARY !

[midget]

HARHARHAR

[John Knight]

A man is carried into the local ER looking as if he had just been in the ring with Mike Tyson for 10 rounds.

The attending Doctor in an attempt the determine the extent of any brain dammage asks.

What is the last thing you remember?

I was sitting on the lounge with the wife watching TV. When she asked if I had ever slept with another woman.
I said Darling your the only woman I have ever slept with, with all the rest I was wide awake!!

[J.R.]

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE MILITARY.

(I'm sure Neill will enjoy these when he gets back !)

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal .
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual.
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur.
-----------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal .
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
-------------------------------------------------- ----
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop .
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) .
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------- -----------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there !"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) .
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------------------------------------------ ---------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened ?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself !"
- Attributed t o Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).

[englishangel]

A Professor has found after extensive research there are 2 sizes of penis amongst UK men.

There are those which fall within the normal size range & those which are less than 2 inches while erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

"Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars!"