Jokes, please.....

[midget]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He
says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that,
St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expe nse of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.
'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the
elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean , Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian
outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!'

[englishangel]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.



This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.




It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.



If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

[J.R.]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.



This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.




It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.


If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

........... and by a co-incidence, our youngest daughter is LIA !

[englishangel]

Senility strikes.....

.... and JR will now delete the extra post and make we look like a complet t**t.

(Insert your own letters in place of asterisks.)

[J.R.]

How the hell did that happen ?

Probably because it's a Saturday, and my phone hasn't stopped.

The joys of Association Football !

All dealt with !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I don't know whether this will get through the Moderators --- but, being back to "Notorious" I'll try ---
There were two brothers --- one a good man, the other an absolute wastrel, good for nothing.

They died together in a car crash, and the good brother was admitted, without fuss to Heaven.
He found himself dressed in a robe, given a harp and a cloud, and set to " 'arpin' -- 'oly 'arpin " 2 on 4 0ff for Eternity.
He looks down and sees his brother, lounging about in an armchair, with a bottle of single malt whiskey and a gorgeos Blonde on his knee !

"Hey -- I thought you were going to Hell and me to Heaven ---"

"Well "says the brother -- "I'll tell you what Hell is ----- you see this bottle ? --- its got a hole in it -------


You see this Blonde -----

[englishangel]

This moderator is rolling about on the floor laughing, as I am sure the other one is too. This forum does have a 16+ certificate you know.

[J.R.]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS !!

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxley, Hertfordshire.


IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your Knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know ?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport


IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving ?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.


IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.. .

[midget]

Getting Married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[englishangel]

Oh dear, rolling on floor laughing again

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

What was funny about that ? ------------

[englishangel]

A vision of the (not too distant) future.

[englishangel]

A Letter to Jessie James

You Stupid ******! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

While you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of sh1t that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

[J.R.]

A Letter to Jessie James

You Stupid ******! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

While you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of sh1t that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

... and did you see Tigers despicable excuse for non-performing in the Masters ?

'I entered to win'. What a sore loser.

Made my day, (evening).

[sejintenej]

... and did you see Tigers despicable excuse for non-performing in the Masters ?

'I entered to win'. What a sore loser.

Made my day, (evening).

What a pillock; you enter a competition for one of three reasons - a)to win, b)to help someone out or c)to win.

To give any other excuse for entering is hypocritical. He neded an excuse for non-performance but he should be thrown off the tour for that statement.

A certain very successful gentleman suffered an injury last year so he lost his card; it would cost him at least £10,000 to get it back and I suspect he will not bother. At least he tried.