Jokes, please.....

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Having been "In the Business" I am thinking this one through JR -- we must be able to come up with such a device -- the problem is, of course modern plastic explosives --- now I'm getting serious -- back to reality !!!

[J.R.]

For the more 'Senior' OB's (Neill will appreciate this one !)

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60 !

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old f@rts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY !! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause ?? You think MEN have attitudes ??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God !!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night !


Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

[midget]

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Yes JR ---- I loved that Contribution !!

Every time there is a new conflict --- I polish my Medals and sit by the 'phone ---

Nobody calls -----

[J.R.]

This is a story by a Scottish bagpiper in his own words.


"As a Bagpiper, I play many funeral gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the upstate New York back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play the bagpipes.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "''Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.' "

[jhopgood]

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[jhopgood]

Probably on here before but...

Wife to husband who has the TV remote control.

"Why do you keep switching channels?"

Husband

"The golf is on at the same time as a porno movie. I don´t know whether to watch the golf or the porno."

Wife

"For Heavens sake, watch the porno. You already know how to play golf."

[englishangel]

One for my email buddies, thanks John

[J.R.]

The sharing of marriage.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered................

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'

[midget]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting pink dress,sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[midget]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[J.R.]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a while.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to move to the next step.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex ?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:



'Is that one word, or two ?'

[J.R.]

These have come from a security-officer friend at Pratwick, (Gatwick). ENJOY


British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan ?'

-----------------------

ATC: "Alitalia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."

Alitalia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - All are working"

-----------------------

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 0,000, requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

-----------------------

Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

-----------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not ?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what ?

Pilot: Yes, SIR !

---------------------------

ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions ? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh1t ! You have traffic !

---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed ?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

----------------------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '

--------------------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

-------------------------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar. (short pause)....

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'

--------------------

Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centreline on that approach !

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right !'

-----------------------

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen! !!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response !'

-----------------------

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way !'

Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

------------------------------------

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340 ?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course !'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please ?'

---------------------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

---------------------------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

-----------------------

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL? ?'

Pilot: 'More or less !'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

----------------------------

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay ?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning !!'

[J.R.]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do ?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(you're going to love this)




"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more !"

[midget]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is
it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience
Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her
friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
the question and the four choices. The blonde responded
unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any
answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be
the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the
contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted