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Apropos the Citibank Credit card Annual Service Charge -----
Why use a card that makes a charge ? --- none of mine do --- and if they did, I would change to one that doesn't !
Perhaps this is a USA thing ? ---- It is interesting that, in Europe, I noticed that many organisations do NOT accept American Express !
I had no end of trouble with them, getting expunged an Hotel Bill, which had been charged TWICE to my account, the attitude seemed to be "It is YOUR fault -- you should have checked " I had to point out that I had only signed ONE chit, and how, therefore, had they accepted another charge ? ------ this took WEEks, but it taught me not to trust them !
Kerren sent me this by e-mail. Maybe she hoped I'd post it on here. Jan is STILL laughing !
Chinese detective.
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then
went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the
last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card
read: "Rothmans". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was
again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were
the words "South African Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad
for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
englishangel wrote:
and unhappily many widows and widowers get hounded for deceased partner's payments.
City of San Francisco in California is one for doing that.
They sent my son a demand for payment of a parking ticket so I spoke to them and sent a copy of his death certificate with the comment that under UK law, because probate had not been granted by the courts, the fine could not legally be paid. Back came the reply from the debt collectors that unless the fine and all their charges and collection costs were paid in so many days (and before the demand was even received) then they would inform all credit references agencies to have his cards cancelled, his record bdestroyed and they would commence legal action for recovery.
Of course you will be aware that on the interrnet Americans are sometimes referred to as "merkins". The dictionary definition of merkin is an object which is sexual, possibly decorative, of minimal use and valueless.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
(Arnold Schwarzenegger!)
Paddy catches his wife having an affair, so decides to kill himself and his wife. He puts a gun to his head, and says to his wife 'don't laugh, you're next!'
Probably been posted before in the distant past, but still make me laugh !
__________________________________
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say ?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. (No crap, really ? Ya think ?)
---------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. (Now that's taking things a bit far !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. (What a guy !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death. (No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
(See if that works any better than a fair trial !)
---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace ! (I can see where it might have that effect !)
---------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile. (Ya think ? !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures. (Who would have thought !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (They may be on to something ! )
---------------------------------------------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape ?)
---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge. (He probably IS the battery charge !)
---------------------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. (Weren't they fat enough ? !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
(That's what he gets for eating those beans !)
---------------------------------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks. (Do they taste like chicken ?)
---------------------------------------------------------- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half. (Chain-saw Massacre all over again !)
*************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors. Boy, are they tall !
*************************************************** And the winner is....
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"...
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will This take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper Between my breasts
every day will make my breasts larger over the Years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren!" And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna!" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Er - hang on, who ?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini !" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says..............
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone, not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen colour TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties, and an old retired senior in his late sixties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired senior and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old senior replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.
"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."
They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.
"That's for knowin' the difference."
Two Rabbits are locked in a cage in a test laboratory. They have both been there for many years. Suddenly there is a small explosion - it's the animal liberation front, who set the rabbits free.
They run all night, for miles and miles until eventually, they fall asleep by the edge of a field. They wake up the next day, and the younger one says to the other "What shall we do today?" Older one says "Let's go into the next field" They agree and go through the hedge. The field is full of carrots. "Waheyy!" they both shout and eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, so they fall asleep.
They wake up next day and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It's full of cabbages. "Waheyy!" and they eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, and they fall asleep.
Next day they wake up and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It is full of lettuce. "Waheyy!" The two rabbits gorge themelves and eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, and they fall asleep.
They wake up the next day and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It is full of female rabbits. "WAHEYY!!" shout the rabbits and do what rabbits do best all day long to their hearts content before falling asleep at the edge of the field.
Next day they wake up and the younger says "What shall we do today?" The older one replies "I think I'm gonna go back to the lab" "You what??!!" replies the incredulous younger bunny. "I know" says the older rabbit, "Life these last few days has been really sweet we've had as much food as we could ever wish for and those girlies, well, what can I say?? They were simply superb. Life's great, yes, but truth is mate, I'm dying for a fag!!"
