Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank , a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred 's house ... walked home . .and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank !)

[J.R.]

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an @rsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 7)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

7a) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant ? Like, really ?
(Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 7)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat @rse.
(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

[lonelymom]

especially 4, 9 and 13!

[kerrensimmonds]

In the version I saw, no. 13 was 'f@nny'

[kerrensimmonds]

Observations on Growing Older and most of these are so true!!!!

It's harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
Going out is good; coming home is better!
When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
Your concealer doesn't conceal.
Your lipstick bleeds.
Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!

[J.R.]

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do !"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do ?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage ? What do you do then ?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two ? What you gonna do then ?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then ?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then ?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that !!"

[J.R.]

I trust this isn't TOO near the knuckle for you. It did make me chuckle !!

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOUR ?"

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open !”

(Get your minds out of the gutter !!)

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I got this last night from a "Riding Lights" Christian, Road Show -------

I should like to die, like my Uncle, peacefully, in my sleep----------------

Unlike his Passengers !

Who says Christians have no sense of humour ????

[J.R.]

"Glasshopper !!!"

Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 2008 -

Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 2009 -

Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around... The globe. It gets worse........

Next year......2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - What else could possibly go wrong ?

[J.R.]

Wise Socrates !

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three ?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good ?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true ?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all ?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife...

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

WHY ? ---
WHY DO TESCO MAKE THE SICK WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE STORE TO GET THEIR PRESCRIPTIONS, WHILE HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY THEIR CIGARETTES AT THE FRONT ?
WHY DO PEOPLE ORDER DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS, LARGE FRIES AND A ----- DIET COKE ?
WHY DO BANKS LEAVE BOTH DOORS OPEN -- AND CHAIN THE PENS TO THE COUNTERS ?
WHY IS LEMON JUICE MADE WITH ARTIFICIAL FLAVOUR, AND DISHWASHING LIQUID WITH REAL LEMONS ?
WHY IS THE MAN WHO INVESTS YOUR MONEY CALLED A BROKER ?
WHY IS THE TIME OF DAY, WHEN TRAFFIC IS SLOWEST -- CALLED THE RUSH HOUR ?
WHY ISN'T THERE MOUSE-FLAVOURED CAT FOOD ?
WHY DIDN'T NOAH SWAT THOSE TWO MOSQUITOS ? --- (FOR LONELYMOM ! )
WHY DO THEY STERILISE THE NEEDLE IN THE USA FOR LETHAL INJECTIONS ?
WHY DON'T SHEEP SHRINK WHEN IT RAINS ?
WHY ARE THEY CALLED APARTMENTS, WHEN THEY ARE ALL STUCK TOGETHER ?
WHY, IF FLYING IS SO SAFE, IS IT CALLED THE TERMINAL ?

THAT INDESTRUCTIBLE BLACK BOX ------ WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE WHOLE AIRCRAFT OUT OF THE MATERIAL ?

[J.R.]

Now some people are really stupid !!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply..'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead ?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both !'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her ?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me ?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead ?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (so if you have a $0 balance how can they charge late fees & charges ?)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate ?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer ?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death ?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address ?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet ???'

(Priceless!!) You wondered why Citi is going broke and needs the fed to bail them out !!

[englishangel]

I did a quick search for this on the forum and it has been posted 6 or 7 times, the first time by me back in May 2006.

Funnily enough Snopes don't have it.

[Jo]

I did a quick search for this on the forum and it has been posted 6 or 7 times, the first time by me back in May 2006.

Funnily enough Snopes don't have it.

Snopes does have it. They concede it might be true but unlikely exactly as recounted. But why spoil JR's fun - a little detail like whether or not a story is true shouldn't get in the way of laughing heartily at other people's stupidity.

[englishangel]

I did a quick search for this on the forum and it has been posted 6 or 7 times, the first time by me back in May 2006.

Funnily enough Snopes don't have it.

Snopes does have it. They concede it might be true but unlikely exactly as recounted. But why spoil JR's fun - a little detail like whether or not a story is true shouldn't get in the way of laughing heartily at other people's stupidity.

OK I couldn't find it on snopes, though they do have similar.

and unhappily many widows and widowers get hounded for deceased partner's payments.