Jokes, please.....

[lonelymom]

That is JR, but very familiar. In fact, I'm sure I read it only a few weeks ago on this very forum. It's going to bug me now until I find out which thread is was on

[Fjgrogan]

'Economics' on General Chat - Non CH.

[lonelymom]

Thanks Frances!!!!!

[J.R.]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor ?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe ?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe ?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called......................



(You know me, I hate to do this to you, but....................)








"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred !"

[J.R.]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&;M University has invented a bra that keeps woman's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.





At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and..................






kicked the sh*t out of him.

[Mid A 15]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

[Mid A 15]

ZEN TEACHINGS (or phrases for modern living)


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just b****r off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our Arse ..
then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Fred arrives in the waiting room of Heaven, after a while he sees Bill, who comes over and asks
"How did you get here Fred " ?

"A sad,sad , tale Bill -- I was playing Poker, and had a Royal Straight Flush, with £1000 in the Pot; when my Mobile rang --- and a muffled voice told me that my beloved Wife was in bed, with another man ! --- I threw down the cards, rushed home, kicked in the door, and demanded of my wife WHERE IS HE ??? -- She pretended innocence, but I looked in all the cupboards, smashed the windows,and in a furious state, I threw tables, chaurs,the Fridge, the Drinks Cabinet, through the smashed Window -- ------ then I had a Heart Attack ---- and here I am " !


"How did you get here Bill ?"



"I was in the fridge !"

[jhopgood]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to f**t.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my f**ts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[kerrensimmonds]

This one no doubt has whiskers.....

I'm reminded of a tale told me by my mother, of an incident during WW2 when she was a young and naieve young bride, in lodgings in Horsham. They were watching Canadian tanks rumble through. In front of her new bridegroom and their very formal landlady, she said 'that's a funny thing to have printed along the side of a tank : Hoof Hearted. I wonder what it means?'

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

This one no doubt has whiskers.....

I'm reminded of a tale told me by my mother, of an incident during WW2 when she was a young and naieve young bride, in lodgings in Horsham. They were watching Canadian tanks rumble through. In front of her new bridegroom and their very formal landlady, she said 'that's a funny thing to have printed along the side of a tank : Hoof Hearted. I wonder what it means?'

Ok in the Infantry --- but in Armoured Vehicles ----- you can sympathise !!!

[J.R.]

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb !

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said, "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

[J.R.]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that ?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake ?'

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

When I was a Soldier--- people used to presume I was Welsh (With surname Evans) and were constantly correcting my Welsh pronunciation --- with the double L pronounced as th--

I , being Irish,retaliated thus ---- with TH pronunciation !

THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM LLANELLY
WHO WANTED TO GET ON THE TELLY
SHE THOUGHT ALL WAS WELL
BUT FOUND IT WAS HELL
WHEN SPOTS CAME OUT ON HER BELLY !


Stand by for "Incoming"

[J.R.]

What do you call an Indian Karaoke singer ??










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Gerupta Singh !!!