Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN.

SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.

THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.'

SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN. 'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ...........



'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND F@RTED AROUND AND HAVE MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO !!'

[kerrensimmonds]

Apologies if we have had this before. The stuff going round via email seems to come around every now and again... this is one I received recently but am sure I have seen it before :-

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the woman did not know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[kerrensimmonds]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice...

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: ......."For what we are about to receive....."

[kerrensimmonds]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

On the subject of the "Power of Prayer" -------

My first Wife's lover , fell out of bed and broke his leg -------

You may not think this is funny ----- but it is TRUE

[jhopgood]

On the subject of the "Power of Prayer" -------

My first Wife's lover , fell out of bed and broke his leg -------

You may not think this is funny ----- but it is TRUE

Another true story.

Whilst working in the bank in Bogota in the mid '70's, we received the visit of the Head Office audit team.
The Head of the team put himself in a different hotel from the rest of his team and about 3 days into the inspection, I was told to arrange for a car to both pick him up and drop him off at his hotel.
Since the rest of his team had no trouble using the taxis and claiming on expenses and I had a reputation of not following instructions blindly, I asked why he got these privileges.
It turned out that he had broken his leg when he fell out of bed with his boyfriend.

[J.R.]

On the subject of the "Power of Prayer" -------

My first Wife's lover , fell out of bed and broke his leg -------

You may not think this is funny ----- but it is TRUE

Another true story.

Whilst working in the bank in Bogota in the mid '70's, we received the visit of the Head Office audit team.
The Head of the team put himself in a different hotel from the rest of his team and about 3 days into the inspection, I was told to arrange for a car to both pick him up and drop him off at his hotel.
Since the rest of his team had no trouble using the taxis and claiming on expenses and I had a reputation of not following instructions blindly, I asked why he got these privileges.
It turned out that he had broken his leg when he fell out of bed with his boyfriend.

The actress Leslie Ash springs to mind !

Ex-pro football players must out their ALL into love-making !!!

[sejintenej]

Whilst working in the bank in Bogota in the mid '70's, we received the visit of the Head Office audit team. ........

It turned out that he had broken his leg when he fell out of bed with his boyfriend.

Sounds like BOLAM - I had heard the story even in London and reckonedd it was a myth - how wrong can one be!

Anyone want to put some (incorrect) words to BOLAM?

[jhopgood]

Whilst working in the bank in Bogota in the mid '70's, we received the visit of the Head Office audit team. ........

It turned out that he had broken his leg when he fell out of bed with his boyfriend.

Sounds like BOLAM - I had heard the story even in London and reckonedd it was a myth - how wrong can one be!

Anyone want to put some (incorrect) words to BOLAM?

Bank of London and Montreal, and yes, I am one of the Bolam Boys, who still occasionally meet.

Arthur Angel was the man?

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

This might be another Topic on "Schadenfreude " !

"Old Lady slips on banana skin --- breaks leg "---- Tradgedy

"Fat Policeman slips on banana skin "-- breaks leg --- Comedy

[J.R.]

Bears In The Woods !

(Canadian/American Public Information Advice !)

In light of the rising frequency of human conflicts with bears in the field, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant.

They advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

They also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

[J.R.]

Extracted from a 'Maxine' cartoon !

Smile and have a great Day !

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember.................

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called, 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I really hate sex in the movies. I tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, popcorn all over the floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large rubbish can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager ?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up !!

[jhopgood]

The Mechanic and the Cardiologist


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just
like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...


'Try doing it with the engine running.

[J.R.]

A young cowboy from Rosetown , Saskatchewan goes off to college. Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Regina that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that programme ?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000,' the young cowboy says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son ?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read ? !' exclaims his father. 'No kidding ! How do we get Ol' Blue in that programme ?'

'Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue ? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something !'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Café and Tavern ?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother !'

'I sure did, Dad !'

'That's my boy !'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[J.R.]

THAT'S ECONOMICS !!

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Government is doing business today. That's economics !