Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

POLITICAL TIMES LIKE WOT THEY IZ AT THE MOMENT !

Parliamentary Candidate: "Will I be getting your vote on polling day ?"

Voter: "Sure, for 100 quid !"

Candidate: "That is a totally immoral suggestion - I couldn't use taxpayer's money to buy votes !"

Voter: "Why not ? You use it to buy everything else !"
__________________________________________________________________________

First MP: "My constituency meeting was really difficult - they all sat there and stared at me as if they thought I was on the fiddle."

Second MP: "So did mine - what did you do ?"

First MP: "Stared back at them, as if I wasn't !!!"
__________________________________________________________________________

The parliamentary candidate was out canvassing, when a fight broke out between one of his staff and an elector. The police broke it up.

"What was all that about ?" said the MP.

"Well", Said the copper, "The elector said that he didn't think you have enough brains to fiddle your expenses - Your guy said he knew you had !"
__________________________________________________________________________

A well known politician appears on the Politics Show, being interviewed about his career.

"It seemed to me that after fifteen years in politics that I was absolutely hopeless and had no talent for it at all."

"So what did you decide to do ?" asked the interviewer, "Give it up ?"

"Good Lord - No," said the politician, " By then I was making FAR too much money !"
__________________________________________________________________________

"Dad," said little Johnny,"What's fraud ?"

"Well," said Dad, "If somebody in business fiddles the rules so that they get a lot of money that doesn't belong to them and keep it, that's fraud. You can get sent to prison for it."

"OK," said Johnny, "These bankers, - did they do fraud ?"

"Ah !!" said Dad. " If you are a banker and you fiddle the rules so you get a lot of money that doesn't belong to you and keep it, that's called a bonus and you don't get sent to prison."

"Well," said Johnny "But these MPs - They must have done fraud ?"

"No again," said Dad, " If you are an MP and you fiddle the rules so you get a lot of money that doesn't belong to you and keep it, that's called expenses and you don't get sent to prison."

"Thanks, Dad".

Little Johnny sat for a long time, his face screwed up in concentration. "Dad, I don't understand that."

"Neither do I, Son, neither do I !!"

[99yorkpj]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck
--
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
--
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
--
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

[99yorkpj]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.



Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.



"He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother-in-law."



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "The stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"



The cab driver hit a parked car.

[CHAZ]

[kerrensimmonds]

Ditto. Thanks Phillipa!

[J.R.]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf ?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not ?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf ?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not ?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow ! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that ?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...................





Now give me back my dog !

[99yorkpj]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark."

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have My ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.

"Noah," shouted he Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going n the boat, and still now owls.

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country; and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of "use tax."

"I really don't think I can finish Your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

[Mid A 15]

CELIBACY

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Do You feel Unwanted ?

Does nobody care about what you do ?

When you are successful, does anybody care ?


SOMEBODY DOES !


SOMEBODY IS WATCHING OVER YOU !




The Inland Revenue

[John Knight]

An airline passenger hails a taxi to take him home from the airport
After a while he wanted to ask the driver a question but the music was too loud so he lent forward and tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver lets out a scream loud enough to waken the dead, looses control of the cab nearly hit a bus, crosses to the wrong side of the road jumped the kerb stoping inches from a very large plate glass shop window.

When the passenger recoveres from the initial shock he apologises to the driver for tapping him on the shoulder and scaring him so much.

The white faced and shaking driver said. Don't apologise it's not your fault, its mine.

You see I have only been driving this cab for a week, my previous job was driving a hearse.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I felt depressed the other night --- so I phoned the Helpline ---

I got through to a flippin' Asian Call centre-- and said I was SUICIDAL !!


They asked if I could drive a truck -- or fly a 'plane !

[englishangel]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed..

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[englishangel]

>
Don't blame me for these, Vonny sent them to me.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT

________________________________
Can you cry under water?
________________________________
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
________________________________
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
________________________________
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
________________________________
What disease did cured ham actually have?
________________________________
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
________________________________
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
________________________________
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
________________________________
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
________________________________
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
________________________________
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
________________________________
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
________________________________
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
________________________________
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
________________________________
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
________________________________
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
________________________________
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
________________________________
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
________________________________
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
________________________________
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
________________________________
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
________________________________
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
________________________________
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your...? well, let's move on
________________________________
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
________________________________
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[lonelymom]

>

________________________________
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
________________________________
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

I did!

[englishangel]

Another set from a fellow OB (not on the forum because she can never remember her password.)




15 thoughts for today



1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.



2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.



3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.



4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!



5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).



6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.



7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.



8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.



9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.



10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.



11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.



12 . Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!



13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.



14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.



15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.