Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates.


Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)

[J.R.]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver.

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10 ?' asked the driver

I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.

'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh ?' quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.

'NO,' screamed the boy.

'What will it take to get you into the car ?' asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied,





'Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it. !!'

[LongGone]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the barman asks "would you like to try the house wine?" Descartes says "I think not": and disappears

[jhopgood]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy sh1t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[englishangel]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.



It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on
water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb ass'.

[englishangel]

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says:

"Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..."
and here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!

[J.R.]

Government Authority

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there !'

The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card ? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear ? Do you understand ?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



'Show him your card ! Show him your card ! '

[J.R.]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!! (allegedly !)

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help-line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[J.R.]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark Cards' writers are having a bad day........


My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~ * ~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~ * ~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'

~ * ~
Congratulations on your wedding day !
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~ * ~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby ?

~ * ~
I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

~ * ~
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~ * ~
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~ * ~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back ?
You'll probably need it again.

~ * ~
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~ * ~
Happy birthday ! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike !

~ * ~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

~ * ~
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop ?

~ * ~
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~ * ~
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was ?

~ * ~
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

~ * ~
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay !

[Mid A 15]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'



He answers 'Yes - caffeine'



'Have you ever been in the armed services?'



'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'



The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?



The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'



The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K.. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'



The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '



'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point you coming in for that!"

[J.R.]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

------------------------------

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed.' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist !' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight - You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm really glad I came !!'

[jhopgood]

Which Airline?

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Ryanair.

[J.R.]

A farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home ?' the farmer asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here ?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here ?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya ?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that !'

He finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard !!'

[Sean]

A man goes into a bar and orders a quadruple scotch.
He drinks the lot down in one go and the barman seeing this knows the signs...
"wow what's wrong with you mate?"
The man says "I came home early and found my wife in bed with my best friend".
The barman says "oh my God, what did you do?"
The man says "Well I kicked my wife straight out of the house and I gave my best friend a really long hard meaningful stare"
The barman is really interested now so he says "what did you do then?"
The man said "what do you think I said?", I said "BAD DOG get in your kennel now!"

[kerrensimmonds]

Here's a different take on that :-
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.

'WHAT'S UP?' HE SAYS.

'I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK,' CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALLING, HIS 4- YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS 'DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM,PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS
OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED,COWERING ON THE CLOSET
FLOOR.

'YOU ROTTEN S.O.A.B.,' SAYS THE HUSBAND, 'MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!'