Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel 's ear and she said,
'" Mabel , do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, " Ethel , I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."





When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big sh1t he always was."





An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As
they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"






When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said,
"I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"




Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

I thought the home counties were such nice places, so genteel.

Spotted in Guildford, a Haywards Heath phone number

Must be Aussies.
I have taken that road many times when going to the Dump.

I'm trying to place exactly where in Guildford that was taken.

Is it Millbank near the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, perchance ?

Mary:

On enhancing the photo, I think I now recognise this as the main A.3 travelling South towards Portsmouth/Southampton just after the Stoke roundabout.

I will send you an enhanced copy for your files !!!!!!!

J.R. wrote:I'm trying to place exactly where in Guildford that was taken.

Is it Millbank near the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, perchance ?

I think you will find that it is on the main road outside Halfords, in the complex with Homebase, B & Q etc.
On the other side of the road is a Shell garage.
If you go to the traffic lights and turn left, under the A3, you can eventually get to the Municipal Dump.

jhopgood wrote:Must be Aussies.
I have taken that road many times when going to the Dump.

Given the wording on the van do you mean to the dump or for a dump?

Mid A 15 wrote:

jhopgood wrote:Must be Aussies.
I have taken that road many times when going to the Dump.

Given the wording on the van do you mean to the dump or for a dump?

With JH it could be either or both.

Yes - He is correct on the location of the photograph. His dump knowledge of Guildford is renowned !

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.



'I'm sorry Forrest' St Peter said; But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

'That's Cool' said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'3 Questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Forrest.

'The First' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?

'The second is: How many seconds are there in a year'

'The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. - I expect you to do the same.



The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

Forrest said, ' Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.



'Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, ' How many seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Just 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?'

'Easy' said Forest. 'There's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'



St Peter looked at Forrest and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head . . .

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. 'I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.'



'Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Forrest replied, 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Forrest?'

'It's Andy.'

'It's Andy??'

'Yes, it's Andy' said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked. 'Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'












'Easy' said Forrest... 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled .....'



And Forrest entered Heaven!

VERY INTERESTING:- (But maybe not so much a joke !)

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel

10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the 'writing on the wall' in Iraq

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ..

17. The wise men were from Iraq ..

18. Peter preached in Iraq .

19. The 'Empire of Man' described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in Iraq !

And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second ?
It is Iraq !

However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.

The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia .... The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers .

The name Iraq, means country with deep roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated With it than Iraq.

And also, This is something to think about: Since America is typically
represented by an eagle.

Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ....

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; And there was peace.

(Note the verse number !) Hmmmmmmm ? !

Thanks for that,JR. Is there hope then?

On the other hand they are due to try to re-create the "big bang" in September, in Geneva, so maybe Iraq won't matter any more, and we'll all find out who was right.
Maggie

LIFE'S PLEASURES A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some
grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he
says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!!!!!!

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my
garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of
State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many
disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British government beat me to it."

Mid A 15 wrote:In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah,.....

That's a good one, thanks...

An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bl**dy top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So yer bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.