Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

This is strange, there is nothing in the box John posted, but when I 'quote' an [img] shows up. Is it a rude one?

[John Knight]

This is strange, there is nothing in the box John posted, but when I 'quote' an [img] shows up. Is it a rude one?

It appears that my ISP is having a few problems at the moment... they say that they are working on it at this time....
It is not a rude joke, - Me?
John
(Also my website photographs will not come up)

[englishangel]

OK

Nor is this rude, just funny7, especially as my brother has just been ordained a minister.

Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had
all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather
at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river.

[englishangel]

I hope this is not too 'racy' for the forum. It made me laugh out loud.

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93, the Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa.'

[englishangel]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject and finally, getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

[J.R.]

A husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good grief ! It wasn't that creased in the shop !!"




His funeral is this Thursday.

[Mrs C.]

Genuine motoring insurance claims


"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"
"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a cyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."

[marty]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake!!!

[J.R.]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake!!!

That has to be a Jo Brand joke, Marty !

[englishangel]

these had me in stitches

Kids say some funny stuff.



If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.


Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.


Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.


Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.


Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.


Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)

A: Nearby.


Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.


Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[J.R.]

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking bl**dy Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn.

Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here ?

A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again ! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd !

A few more yards further along the street and........CRASH. Smacked on the back of the head yet again ! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.

Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you ?"



Wait for it...



Are you ready?...



Brace yourself...



This'll make your day...























... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer."

[J.R.]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Johnny Byrne ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with ?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh ?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown ?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle ?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil ? '

'My lips are sealed.'

' Was it Catherine 0'Toole, then ?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads !!!'

[englishangel]

In a US Cabinet meeting the Secretary of Defense Robert Gates tells the other member that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq. Much to everyones amazement George W turns pale, sighs deeply and puts his head in his hands. After a few seconds he looks up and asks "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[englishangel]

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary,
Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

[J.R.]

You need to read this with a strong Scottish accent in mind. Sent to Jan from the Outer Islands of Scotland !
_______________________

Two Aiberdonian fairmers.

Two Aiberdonian fairmers, Tam and Shughie, are sitting in the fairmers bar,drinking beer. Tam turns to Shughie and says, "Ye ken fit ? I'm tired o'gan through life withoot an education. Th'morn, I think I'll go doon to the community college and sign up for some classes." Shughie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and logic.

"Logic ?" Tam says. "Fit's at ?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer ?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden."

"That's true, I dee huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I huv a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yer nae wrang !! I dee huv a wife !!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin' !! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

Excited, to take the class now, Tam shakes the lecturer's hand and leaves to meet Shughie at the pub.

He tells Shughie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

"Logic ?" Shughie says, "Fit's at ?"

Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer ?"

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof !!"