Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

What Children Write................... About The Sea

1 This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2 Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3 If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4 Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5 A dolphin breaths through an blow-job on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)

6 My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7 When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8 I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant ? Like, really ? (Helen age 6)

9 I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10 Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11 When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

[John Knight]

I know Daddy's password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

[John Knight]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck
is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador .

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shookhis head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,meowed softly and strolled
out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,took
the bill.

"£150" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£150.

[J.R.]

An Irish lad has got £500,000 on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for a million quid. "Paddy, for 1million pounds, who was the great train robber ?

Was it...........

A, Ronnie Barker...

B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...

C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it..

D, Ronnie Biggs ???"

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris" Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's...Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris !"

"You don't want to phone a friend ?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer !"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with 500,000. However before you go,you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy ?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris."

"You knew it anyway...are you mad ??" asks Chris, "Are you mental ?"

Paddy says,



"Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass !"

[J.R.]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene ?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description ?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers ?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life ? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties ?"
A: "Yes sir, we do !"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room ?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker ?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers ?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[J.R.]

The old farmer decided to go down to his pond, he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the woman aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave !"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked. Or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator !!"

Moral: Some old men can still think fast....

[J.R.]

Ralph, age 72, is visiting London for the first time from the States. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all .. no public toilets.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate. Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
Relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you term in England 'British hospitality' ?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "That is what we term in England THE Iranian Embassy !!"

[J.R.]

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another big saw thingy. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead !'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in ?'




'No,' says the nurse,




'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated !'

[jhopgood]

Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners!"

[John Knight]

The guy went through the car wash and when he came out the other end the attendant said "That will be £5 please Paddy"

"How did you know my name?" said Paddy

"We don't get many motor bikes in here" said the attendant

[J.R.]

I walked into my local last night and asked the barman for a double entendre................





























He gave me one.... !!!

[J.R.]

If you haven't seen these before, here are some great 'Church' bloopers !!
___________

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins ! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning:"Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
--------------------------
Ladies - Don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - Let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell ?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and Medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[John Knight]

Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[J.R.]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some ?

"No," I said.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her house. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs................










"Mum....you awake ?"

[cj]

Eurghh!