Jokes, please.....

[UserRequestedRemoval]

I don't know if you have seen this one folks but it made me laugh so here goes......These are apparently genuine extracts from US court cases.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go! to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you c! heck for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

[J.R.]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY ?


(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child !)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the No 1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[englishangel]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Debenhams and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around,"! said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes ! mountain s out of mole hills.

Also

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will apprec iate it!

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

[UserRequestedRemoval]

Thanks for that one EA, there is many a lady in Burnley laughing at that joke right now

[Mid A 15]

Keep this in mind when you have

>>>

>>> something to return and the

>>> store gives you a hard time -

>>>

>>>

>>> A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she

>>> wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

>>> The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she

bought it

>>> on

>>> special.

>>>

>>>

>>> Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started

screaming,

>>>

>>> "PINCH MY NIPPLES,

>>> PINCH MY NIPPLES,

>>>

>>> PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager

>>> in front of a growing crowd of customers.

>>>

>>> The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

>>>

>>> She explained the problem with the toaster,

>>> and he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought

it on

>>> special.

>>>

>>> Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

>>>

>>>

>>> "PINCH MY NIPPLES,

>>> PINCH MY NIPPLES,

>>> PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

>>>

>>> And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> In shock, the store manager pleads,

>>> "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> In a huff, the woman says,

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE

>>> MY NIPPLES PINCHED

>>> WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

>>>

>>>

>>> The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[UserRequestedRemoval]

hehehehe Thats a good one

[J.R.]

A Northern Territory station hand, radios back to his boss, the station manager.

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling & squealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 rifle behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him". Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.

"I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem ?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, its his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch...............


You still there boss ????????????"

[John Knight]

I like this one, but can't copy it for fear of infringing copyright.

Here: http://www.cupola.com/html/wordplay/redride1.htm

[UserRequestedRemoval]

Nice one John

[J.R.]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service" - this is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective.

NOW I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[blondie95]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Debenhams and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around,"! said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes ! mountain s out of mole hills.

Also

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will apprec iate it!

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

Ive just discovered this thread and that was easily one of the funniest things ever!!!

[englishangel]

I am glad you enjoyed it.

[englishangel]

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN


An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.... "Melbourne ", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing".........she says excitedly,..........so am I - what street?"

" Cameo Street " he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering.

"What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[Scone Lover]

Wow that sums Aussies up beautifully!

[J.R.]

Some great one-liners !
__________________________

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be cr@pping herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks ?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t !
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower ?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh1t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising ?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bl**dy hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus ?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber !"
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome ? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one !"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly