Jokes, please.....

[marty]

Not sure about that one, Marty !!

Why not?!!

[Richard Ruck]

Nothing wrong with it at all!

I was going to post it myself, but Marty got there first......

[J.R.]

I thought possibly a period of mourning or whatever ?

Did you know that the last record being played on the 'Free Enterprise' as it capsized was Lionel Ritchie's 'Dancing on the Ceiling' ?

[Laura M]

Yeah and the original Poisidon adventure was being played on the Titanic before it sunk!

[Richard Ruck]

I thought possibly a period of mourning or whatever ?

Did you know that the last record being played on the 'Free Enterprise' as it capsized was Lionel Ritchie's 'Dancing on the Ceiling' ?

These jokes always appear as soon as something bad happens! Human nature, I suppose - it's as if they've been pre-prepared like BBC obituaries of the Queen Mum.

[John Knight]

A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall.
She approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little girl replied, "Glenfiddich whisky and
women with big tits."

[jhopgood]

Thank you for returning to the Jokes.
Those of us with small brains can only handle one thread at a time.

[FrogBoxed]

[englishangel]

Now that, I like.

[UserRemovedAccount]

Louise,
Birlliant,
David

[jhopgood]

Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish ?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if Iwas Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

So with self-indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."

[John Knight]

That reminds me of the one:

A guy goes through the car wash, - when he gets out the other side he is asked "Are you Irish?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Well we don't get many motor bikes in here".

[John Knight]

And here is one for the kids... (I'm dragging them out now!)

How do you tell the difference between a Weasel and a Stoat?

A Weasel is weasely recognised but a Stoat is stoatally different.

(Hmm, sorry about that!!)

[J.R.]

(with prior apologies to Jude. Nothing personal !)
_______________________

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors,flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.

As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school. "Those nuns are tough !" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's. After school on the very first day David ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello.

He started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.

This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table, and went to his room.

With great trepidation, his mother opened the report. David had got an A in math !

She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen ? Was it the nuns ?"

"No !", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they weren't fooling around !!"

[J.R.]

AND TO BALANCE THINGS UP AFTER THE LAST ONE !
__________________________________

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave ?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job ! And what if something should happen ?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell ? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness !!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job !" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief !" he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason !"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor ?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " Governor ?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it ?"

Cop: "I think it's God !"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What makes you think it's God ?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur !!!"