Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

The Window Through Which We Look


A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood The next morning while they were eating breakfast, The young woman saw her neighbour hanging the wash outside.

‘That laundry is not very clean,' she said. ‘She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.'

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this ?'

The husband said,

'I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.'

[englishangel]

Nice little morality tale there John.

[jhopgood]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

[J.R.]

Some of the above, courtesy of Alan Carr, I believe, John ?

[jhopgood]

Some of the above, courtesy of Alan Carr, I believe, John ?

I got them from Ian Dougherty I think, but since my hard drive has given up, I may never know.
(Before anyone asks, I am on my wife's pc)

[jhopgood]

First of Many

ELTON JOHN TO RELEASE COMMEMORATIVE SINGLE IN LIGHT OF OSAMA'S DEATH.
'SANDALS IN THE BIN' WILL BE OUT SOON.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I treasure the memory of a sign in the window of a cafe, in southern Crete ------

"Closed for weeding"

They knew there was a double letter in there somewhere !

[J.R.]

Advertising blurb for the South Coast for Summer 2012.

OSAMA BIN LADEN ......... Coming to a beach near YOU !!!

[J.R.]

Hi Folks !!

I've just arrived in Pakistan for my time-share holiday....

You wouldn't BELIEVE the state the previous holiday-maker left it in !!!!

[J.R.]

DNA analysis of Bin Laden's body has come back from the laboratory.

It shows a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.







Experts say this is probably due to the Bounty on his head.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Hi Folks !!

I've just arrived in Pakistan for my time-share holiday....

You wouldn't BELIEVE the state the previous holiday-maker left it in !!!!

PHOTOS ! PHOTOS !

[J.R.]

Hi Folks !!

I've just arrived in Pakistan for my time-share holiday....

You wouldn't BELIEVE the state the previous holiday-maker left it in !!!!

PHOTOS ! PHOTOS !

U.S. Prez won't allow me to release 'em !!

[kerrensimmonds]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It's 3am in the morning and it's bl**dy-well pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

Obedient husband that he is, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Things not to do ---
Answer the phone, someone will ask you to ring a number --- and you will get a bill for a call to Bombay , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Use shopping malls --- someone may drug you with a perfume sample and rob you.
Don't buy Petrol, without a man with you, to check that a serial killer has not crawled into your back seat.
Don't check the coin return on pay phones, or car parks, you could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

All these courtesy of newspaper stories !!

[englishangel]

Man Utd fans will today unveil a '19 times' banner at Old Trafford... In recognition of the number of times they touched the ball on Saturday!