Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Stephen Hester the head of RBS says he's been held to ransom over his huge bonus.
What else can you say to a Hester ransom but, that's life?

GROAN!

........ or perhaps you could use a straw?

Mid A 15 wrote:to the tune of Only Fools and Horses:

"No income tax, no VAT, no points last week off Man City, futures grim, hes looking pale, harry redknapps off to jail!"

Oh no he ain't !!!

And it cost £8 million to find that out !!!

NTN wrote:

Mid A 15 wrote:to the tune of Only Fools and Horses:

"No income tax, no VAT, no points last week off Man City, futures grim, hes looking pale, harry redknapps off to jail!"

Oh no he ain't !!!

And it cost £8 million to find that out !!!

Absolutely the right result, in my book. The CPS b@llsed it up, yet again, and HR now in a very good position to sue Plod !!!

SOME ONE LINERS - SOME NEW, SOME OLD !!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified !

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country ?'

The Pope is visiting Liverpool.

A little boy approaches him and asks " Can you help with my hearing".

The Pope looks at the boy and places his hands over the boy's ears.

As The Pope removes his hands, he asks "Has that helped your hearing?"

The little boy replies "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday".

A man and his wife were sitting in a pub having a quiet drink. The man sighed and said "I love you more than anything else in world".
"Is that you or the beer talking?" asked the wife.
"I was talking to the beer" the husband replied!

While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa !" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

jhopgood wrote:While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa !" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

I really like that one John, even if NOT particularly PC>

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied.... 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!...............That's a great idea!' he exclaimed...............
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own "f" blanket.'
...............After a moment of silence........... he farted.
The End.

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him
hauled out his mobile and started up:-
"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss
no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bl**dy phone off and come back to bed!!"

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL - ONE LINERS - PLUS. (Tim Vine is the MASTER !)

•1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
•2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
•3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
•4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
•5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
•6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
•7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
•8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
•9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
•10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

________________________________


I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......
______________________________________

Exit signs, they're on the way out. (Tim Vine)

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you reallywant it."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?