Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Jewish Firemen


One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra -orthodox men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek , newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulae.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money ?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck !!!!"

[J.R.]

Morning all..............

Just thought I'd get this one in before the rest of you.......

As you know we've just moved to a new house, but f*ck me it's turned out to be a rough area;

Myra Hindley is the Avon Lady,

Fred West is the Gardener,

Louise Woodward is the babysitter,

Harold Shipman is my new GP,

Gary Glitter runs the play group,

The McCanns run the holiday club,

Michael Jackson runs the local zoo and theme park,

Saddam Hussein the ethnic group and Hitler is running the campsite.

But, most worrying of all is the fact that Kevin Keegan is running the local football team !!!!!!

[kerrensimmonds]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a
close call at the weekend.

I walked into B&Q hardware store Saturday lunchtime and some old guy
dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the ****** out. Those
less suspecting might not be so lucky!!

Pass this warning on....

[J.R.]

They both have a sense of humour…………..

Teachers first………………..

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!

1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an 'idiot'.
5.Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

Now for the Coppers…………..

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'
15. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
16. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
17. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
18. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
19. 'Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'
20. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
21. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
22. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
23. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
24. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
25. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
26. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
27. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets ? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

[J.R.]

another one for the girlies..... !!!!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her ?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness !' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ?'

There really are two ways to look at everything.

[Laura M]

A senior doctor is showing one of the board of directors around his hospital.
As they walk past one room the member of the board notices the man within is masturbating furiously,
'What is that man up to? thats disgusting behaviour how can you allow it?' she questions the doctor,
'Well that man has a rare condition where his balls overfill with sperm and therefore must be flushed at least five times a day.' replys the doctor.
'Well I suppose if thats the case then he may carry on.' said the board member
A little further along the tour the member of the board looks into another room and this time is shocked to see a nurse issuing a blow job to the patient within!
'What the hell's going on in there!?' demanded the board member,


'Well' says the doctor 'he has the same condition.......'


'But he's with BUPA'

[J.R.]

A drunk man who smelt of beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does !!"

[kerrensimmonds]

(with apologies to the OB who sent me this today... too good not to share....)


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."



The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."



The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"



The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."



"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball raced towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.



Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.



"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"



The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

[Tim_MaA_MidB]

oops

[Tim_MaA_MidB]

Her Diary
Day: Night - 3rd March

I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing" I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


His Diary
Day: same sh*t different day

Today India lost the cricket match against England.
DAMN IT.

[Tim_MaA_MidB]

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:



"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

[jhopgood]

Thank God for church ladies with word-processors!

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------ -------- ------ ------------ --------- --------- --
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
---------- -- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
------------ --------- --------- ------------ ------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------ ------ --- --------- ----- ------ ------------ -----
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[Ajarn Philip]

John, these are absolutely priceless - I can hardly see the screen for tears, and Mrs Ajarn is asking me what's up (she thinks I'm working...) as I'm cackling like a lunatic.

Thank you.

[J.R.]

Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.

He was given six months but the police don't think he will finish his sentence.

[gma]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday Evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000." the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque." He added "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!" he shouted.

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"