Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

MORE FAMOUS QUOTES
__________________________

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol

[16] Money can't buy you happiness.. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

[17] What's the use of happiness ? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

[18] I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

[jhopgood]

A US Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us

[jhopgood]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[jhopgood]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans went to great trouble and arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German!"

[jhopgood]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*c*ing putt, didn't you.

[jhopgood]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[J.R.]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two ??"

[Mid A 15]

>EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
> >
> >After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
> >
> >"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
> >
> >"It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I
> >have
> >just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one
> >pushes
> >the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She
> >went
> >on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
> >such
> >as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two
> >breasts
> >might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
> >
> >"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I
> >gave
> >the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of
> >those,
> >but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He
> >reached
> >down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
> >
> >Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
> >
> >"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
> >
> >"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You
> >see,
> >all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
> >bull.
> >All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
> >
> >God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
> >could
> >I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create
> >a
> >man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that
> >useless tit

[J.R.]

A junior school teacher in Liverpool asked her pupils to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand-dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Blackpool Tower and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t1ts are so big she can only fasten eight."

[J.R.]

Some Topical Anagrams for you !
_______________________

DORMITORY anagram of DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN anagram of BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER anagram of MOON STARER

DESPERATION anagram of A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES anagram of THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH anagram of HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE anagram of HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES anagram of CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY anagram of IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS anagram of LIES - LETS RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW anagram of WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS anagram of ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT anagram of I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES anagram of THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO anagram of TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Katharine]

I was sent this, if it is a work of fiction it is a clever one!

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (! UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[Jolyon]

A bunny hops into the butchers one morning. "Hello," says the bunny happily. "Got any carrots?"

The butcher peers at him over the counter. "No, this is a butchers. We dont sell carrots."

"Oh," says the crest fallen bunny. He turns and hops out again.

Next day, in hops the bunny. "Hello, got any carrots?" he asks chirpily.

"No, I told you yesterday, we dont sell carrots."

"Ok, bye!" says the bunny and hops off again.

Next day, the bunny hops in again. "Hello, got any carrots?"

"Look," says the annoyed butcher, "if you come in here one more time looking for carrots I will nail your ears to the floor."

"Fine," says the bunny, and hops off.

Next day, in comes the bunny. "Hello, got any nails?"

"No!" says the confused butcher.

"Great! got any carrots?"





And if anoy of you were awake at 3:25 am on Saturday/Sunday night you could have heard me telling that on Radio 5Live.

More bunny jokes to follow later...

[englishangel]

I was sent this, if it is a work of fiction it is a clever one!

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (! UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

sounds like the Aussies.

[J.R.]

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 km/hr and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What am I doing ? I'm too old for this kind of thing.", and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."


The Policeman said..............................


"Have a nice day."

[englishangel]

I like that one.