Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Today I bought myself some sensible walkin boots, a new ordinance survey map, a nice hand carved walkin stick & a rucksack. Then I went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, Then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...

...oh, Sorry mate, I'm rambling !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood »

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Some bloke hit me over the head with a Power Tool.


I was sitting there minding my own business.


The next thing I know.............................



"Bosch"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

STOP-PRESS

NEWS FLASH !!

King Richard III has just been crowned, the "1485 Hide and Seek Champion !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarg and a younger Constable. The Sarg says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,'
says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first ! '

The Sarg says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarg says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bl**dy beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news ?' The bloke asks.

'Well', the Sarg says, 'If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again !!'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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John Knight
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by John Knight »

Mohammed becomes Kevin

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
... Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two crazy Arabs."
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

MUGGING IN CARDIFF !

South Wales Police have asked for witnesses to come forward regarding a brutal crime against 15 English men on a recent visit to Cardiff who were robbed of a Grand Slam they had come to collect and also had their chariot badly vandalised during the visit to the Welsh capital?

Apparently this heinous crime was carried out by a gang of 15 Welsh guys dressed in bright red shirts in broad daylight in front of 75,439 people who gathered around the gang attack and just stood there cheering, clapping and singing hymns and arias as if they were encouraging the gang.

A police spokesmen for the South Wales force said this "This sort of attack is just sickening....One of the victims was a young lad called Owen Farrell who was on his first trip to Wales and has been traumatised by the whole shocking experience and to make matters even worse his father was forced to watch the entire crime from start to finish and could not lift a finger to protect his son from the sickening and relentless battering meted out by the conspicuously dressed red shirted gang".

The police spokesman continued, "We are following a number of leads and believe this crimson shirted gang may be linked to a similar attack in Twickenham a year ago".


News update: Stuart Lancaster has decided to take his England squad on a day out to Longleat in the summer, as he believes this is the best chance they'll get of going on a Lions tour.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

True But Funny.

ALL AT SEA !!


Complaints by cruise ship passengers include one by a woman who moaned about the sea being "too loud", it has been revealed.

And a couple accused a captain of being "rude" for sailing off when they had left a note saying they needed more sightseeing time in port, according to cruise travel agency bonvoyage.co.uk.

One woman, having seen that Take That star Gary Barlow had been on her ship on an earlier trip, demanded an explanation as to why the singer was not on her voyage.

Then there was the man who complained about not getting "an impressive tan" and being unable to swim in the pool each day while on a trip around... ALASKA!

A woman travelling with the company called Celebrity Cruises asked for a refund as there were "no celebrities on board", while a Yorkshire couple wanted compensation after forking out "a lot more money than planned" on staff tips due to the excellent service.

The woman who complained about the loudness of the sea said she had not been able to sleep well on her Mediterranean cruise. She demanded cabins be "better sound-proofed against the sounds of the sea".

Another female traveller, having booked an inside cabin, then complained about not having a view of the sea and asked for a window to be installed.

Bonvoyage.co.uk cruise development manager Steph Curtin said: "From time to time we come across a few quirky complaints that we can do little to help. "I'm afraid we can't be held responsible for the sea being too loud or the lack of celebrities on board."

(Source: Swindon Advertiser)

They walk among us and they vote....be very afraid !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Probably posted here before, but some of you may not have seen this.

It still has me in stitches !!


Solutions to Pilot Complaints

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Time for a few more 'quickies'

Some old, some definitely new !!


______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

************************************************
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

************************************************
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

************************************************
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

************************************************
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

************************************************
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

************************************************
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

************************************************
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

************************************************
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

************************************************
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

************************************************
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


************************************************
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

************************************************
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

************************************************
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

************************************************
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

************************************************
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, b****r the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

************************************************
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

**************************************************

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect".

**************************************************
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!"

**************************************************
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by DavidRawlins »

Farming Banter

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs
are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bl**dy bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

STRICTLY FOR LEXOPHILES

For those not certain about lexophiles - a lexophile is a lover of Words.


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat Miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at Large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the grass.'
37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

I'm sure this will cause some comment !!


A beautiful DHSS fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Dover immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Wiltshire with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

' PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Englishman with designer clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Brits..

' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Man U T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck, Dick-head, Now that you are a Brit, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
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Re: Jokes, please.....

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CONTEMPORY PHILOSOPHERS. (I love 'em !!)


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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