Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

........... and I didn't need a calculator, and that was AFTER I failed Math 'O' Level at CH. Just goes to show how the University of Life adds to your education.

[Mrs C.]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, does not watch sports all the time and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the ******* map again."

[englishangel]

An obstetrician was walking along the beach on holiday when he came upon the bottle. He rubbed it and out popped the same genie. Said all the same stuff.

"I want all the mothers I look after to have normal deliveries, and healthy babies. I know it's difficult but can you do it?"

"No problem" says the genie and



PUFF





















Turns him into a midwife.

[AKAP]

Man says to solicitor "Can I ask you 3 questions for £500?"
Solicitor replies "yes, what are the other two questions?"

[Mid A 15]

they're hanging Glitter instead.

[J.R.]

they're hanging Glitter instead.

Don't get the joke, MidA15.

I thought he faced, (or may face), a firing-squad.

Far too quick, in my book !

[Mid A 15]

they're hanging Glitter instead.

Don't get the joke, MidA15.

I thought he faced, (or may face), a firing-squad.

Far too quick, in my book !

Technically JR you are correct. However it made me laugh when I heard it hence I posted it here. PEDANT

[J.R.]

You may have seen these before, and if so, I agolopise !

Proverbs according to kids

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic !

Strike while the ...........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favourite:


Better late than............................ pregnant !!!

[J.R.]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom !

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," He said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this ?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," She replied, "Isn't it wonderful ? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter ??" "

[jhopgood]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.

[J.R.]

This may be old, but I only saw it for the first time today.



How do you circumsise a Whale ????????








(Its worth waiting for.................................)






















Send down four skin divers !!!!!

PRICELESS !

[jhopgood]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, her nine year old son hides in the closet and watches them.
One day the woman hears a car pull into the driveway and tells her lover to hide in the closet, as she fears he will not be able to sneak out fast enough.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies nervously, realizing that they've been observed in a very compromising situation.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you DO want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to keep the kid quiet.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when he hears a car in the driveway and, again, asks him to hide in the closet.
"Dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man, whispering.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "Boy, it's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that sh1t in HERE now," the priest says.

[Richard Ruck]

I've heard that, for a whale, a foreskin is a huge drawback....

[jhopgood]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[jhopgood]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!