Jokes, please.....

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LongGone
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone »

For the science geeks among us:

Heisenberg is driving on the autobahn when he is stopped by the police.
The policeman asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but I do know where I am"
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Breaking News..... Breaking News....

Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours.
They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate's funeral, quite sad really.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball............
It was a lovely service.


Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ........
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year !
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on a computer and said to the couple, "£39..00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England !
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is "£39.00."


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, Dad" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

A man entered a Elvis phone quiz and was informed to chose his prize of £50 or a free ticket to an Elvis impersonator show. He had to phone in for his prize.
The digital reply was 'Press 1 for the money 2 for the show.'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
michael scuffil
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by michael scuffil »

J.R. wrote:When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Nice one.
Reminds me of the McGill postcard of a little girl leading a cow along the village street. Along comes village busybody: 'Little girl, what ARE you doing with that animal?'
Girl: 'Oi be takin' her to Farmer Giles' bull, ma'am.'
Lady: 'But... but.. Can't your father do it?'
Girl: 'Oh no, ma'am. It 'as to be a bull.'
Th.B. 27 1955-63
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

michael scuffil wrote:
J.R. wrote:When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Nice one.
Reminds me of the McGill postcard of a little girl leading a cow along the village street. Along comes village busybody: 'Little girl, what ARE you doing with that animal?'
Girl: 'Oi be takin' her to Farmer Giles' bull, ma'am.'
Lady: 'But... but.. Can't your father do it?'
Girl: 'Oh no, ma'am. It 'as to be a bull.
'

Which was faithfully reproduced in 'Carry On Camping'. Charles Hawtrey and a buxom young miss.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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LongGone
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone »

Well, now I'm in trouble. A few weeks ago my wife surprised me when she said "If you were going to have a threesome, which of my friends would you choose. Understand: this is not going to happen, but as a hypothetical case". Now, I was smart enough to say I would nerve consider a threesome, so the point was moot. To my surprise, she brought it up again, several times, and I noticed the "never going to happen" disappeared from the conversation. So, finally, I did it. I have to say the current difficulty is not all my fault: she might have made it clear that she expected to be one of the three.
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do ?"
asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers !" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."


So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign ?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign ?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej »

"I notice you didn't clock yourself in this morning. Giving us a few extra hours unpaid hey? I'm impressed" my boss said to me this morning.

That's what he thinks. I still haven't clocked myself out from yesterday.

..................................................................
Throughout history, people have used a number of methods to induce rain.

Typically these were of a rituallistic nature and had absolutely no effect. It was not until the mid 20th Century that Cloud Seeding was introduced, and its efficacy still remains the subject of much controversy.

To date, the only absolutely reliable method of inducing rainfall appears to be tabloid headlines to the effect that the current heatwave will continue for the next month. This method can also be used to reduce snowfall and stave off extreme temperatures.
..................................................................
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in?

"it's not our fault" said the librarian

"Yeah that's the one" I replied
sejintenej
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If you eat pesto and get food poisoning... Is it pestocide?

Post by sejintenej »

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients
with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who Immediately begins
to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna
start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this
a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

This may not to be to everyone's taste. If it is not for you, this will soon become apparent and you will be able to leave before much damage has been done. If you stay, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
The most interesting word in the English language:
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Dl1i656Ja2I?rel=0
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana'.
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I hsd a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ’Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
‘Winnie the Sh*t’
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

I need to pay my joining fee here, so I’ve been doing due diligence feverishly to try to avoid ‘Heard it, heard it’ when I post. My apologies for any I’ve missed.
What follows are from the archives of our little circle of circulation down under. What I’ve now copied from the Forum is going to pay my dues here for quite some time – thank you all very much.
Outside the closely-guarded Forum walls - we all enjoy a titter here, so if anyone has a little jewel that won’t make it past the censor, don’t forget us.
Which reminds me … There are some of the other guys who have said to me that should the occasional tasteful image of a cuddly lady cross my desk could I well, you know, maybe pass it their way.
So guys – nudge, nudge, wink, wink; any contribution gratefully received.
And, er, um, ladies; from what I’ve been reading I can understand if Hertford ladies might feel a bit shy, but Horsham ladies … Should any of you have the odd selfie you wouldn’t mind sharing, I can assure you it would be treated in the strictest confidence.
‘In your dreams, you dirty old s*d!’ Well, yes; maybe a little assertive, but I can understand where you’re coming from. But they’re just poor old pensioners, so I did feel obliged to ask on their behalves.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

Men have feelings too.
For example: we feel hungry.

Ladies, if a man says he’ll fix it, he will.
There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The Building Inspector and Planning Officer told me;
Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

The (US) Tax System Explained in Beer

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer, and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day the owner threw them a curve ball. ‘Since you are all such good customers’, he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20’. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings:
• ‘I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving’, declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man: ’But he got $10’.
• ‘Yeah, that’s right’, exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!’
• That’s true!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!’
• ‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison, ‘We didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!’
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
(DAVID R. KAMERSCHEN is a Distinguished Professor of Economics and holder of the Jasper N. Dorsey Chair at the University of Georgia)
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