Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent !”

[J.R.]

The Chinese lookalike contest......................



























They all won.......

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A Baptist Church in the Bible Belt USA ----
The Pastor --- "A foul rumour, is being put about that I am a member of the Klu Klux Klan --- whoever is saying this --- I want to stand up and face this Congregation !

Long pause -- nobody moves --

Pastor -- "I call upon you -- if you are a Christian -- to confess ! "

After a further pause -- a Drop Dead Blonde -- with a body that would stop traffic -- stands up and declares , tearfully, "All I said was --- that you were a Wizard under the sheets "

The Pastor falls to his knees --- the Congregation is in uproar !

[J.R.]

HAVING A BAD DAY ??

Check it out these actual cases........

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
_____________________

Still think you're having a bad day ?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________

Still having a bad day ? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
______________________________

Do you STILL think you are having a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
____________________________

STILL think you're really having a REALLY bad day ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
___________________

What ??????? STILL having a bad day ??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.. Forgetting it was the bomb.........

he opened it and was blown to bits.



There now, feeling better ?

[Jo]

Snopes, as usual, he say no...............

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Jo ----
Snopes--- as usual------ sorry, don't get it.
I have just returned from the Netherlands -- has my sense of humour been affected ?

[englishangel]

If you have an 'iffy' story the website http://www.snopes.com debunks (or otherwise) urban myths.

[Jo]

Maybe I've been on the internet too long (since early 1997 I think) but I've developed a "nose" for unlikely sounding "true" stories. Especially when I'm now seeing the same ones for the nth time from various sources. It used to be virus warnings ("send this to everyone you know"...... yeah, right ), then heartrending stories about sick children (yeah, right ), now it seems it's funny stories. I don't suppose people deliberately make all of these up, but it always amazes me how internet hoaxes are perpetuated over so many years.

Call me an old cynic (I am ) but I always check http://www.snopes.com and I'm more surprised when they are true than when they're not.

[jhopgood]

Jo ----
I have just returned from the Netherlands -- has my sense of humour been affected ?

I lived in Amsterdam for 4 years and they do have a sense of humour.
Before my farewell do, held in the office, the staff asked what I would like as a going away present. Since my wife liked Delft plates, I suggested they get a small one.
Sure enough at the farewell cocktail party, I was duly presented with this plate. After the speeches etc, I put it on a table for safety. One of the staff came up and said that some of those who had contributed had not seen the plate, so could he pass it around. No problem, but the next I heard was the sound of a plate being smashed. I turned round, saw a member of staff staring at some crockery on the floor and thought, "Easy come, easy go" and continued my conversation.
It was a set up and they had smashed another plate, but unusually for me, I didn't blow a gasket, so they were confused.
So they do have a sense of humour. They are also very much into practical jokes.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I am in such admiration of the Dutch ------

The clutch went on the car, in the middle of "Nowhere" in the Netherlands, I managed to drift down a hill into a courtyard, where there were some buildings -- repairing lorries.
It was Belting down with rain (I think the expression is Hissing Down) and I was met by a gentleman, who spoke no English (Strange for a Dutchman !) but he called one of his Staff who explained my problem (English-- Lost-- Stupid)
Anne and I were taken into the house, sat at the Family Table, among the Diners, given coffee, while the MAN, rang a Garage, and insisted this was an emergency, "Do it now", rang a Hotel in Alblasserdam, where we were headed for a Wedding Anniversary, and booked us a room, packed our luggage and us, into his Mercedes, drove us 25km to the hotel, arranged for the Garage to pick us up the following Morning and take us to the repaired car------- and the Family laughed, at any suggestion of repayments or compensation.
TBA and I have written them a letter of thanks, but I thought I should do something more, and so my MP (A good friend) has written a request on Parliamentary Notepaper, to the Dutch Ambassador asking him to send a letter of congratulation to him and his Family for their hospitality and efforts on our behalf.

Anybody who criticises the Dutch, will have to meet me at Dawn -- with wet Towels at 10 paces !!!

[englishangel]

What a lovely story.

My only complaint with the Dutch is that they serve their chips with mayonaise, and I am hooked.

[99yorkpj]

Mnnnn Chips 'n' Mayo....

[englishangel]

Train ticket to London £34.63
Oval Test match ticket £65.00
Lunch £20.00

Seeing Ponting bashed in the face Priceless

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

It appears, that one of the Aussie Team is a Dentist ! ( Notice Smiley has no teeth !)

[midget]

When Insults Had Class



These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.." - Winston Churchill.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.." - Stephen Bishop.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb..

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang. (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.