Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

ODE TO A POLITICIAN

I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That's why I need your vote.

I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending

A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I've earned a tax rebate.

I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning

I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could

The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best

The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast

What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.

The message is so very clear,
(we're merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bl**dy state

[J.R.]

Nympho Convention !

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation ?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had eve seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention ?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "What myths are those ?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name !"



"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[99yorkpj]

"Hey God! We don't need you anymore--we can make mankind
ourselves," said three rather bold (and not so smart) scientists.
"O really?" God replied.
"Yes. As a matter of fact, why don't we hold a contest to see who can make a man faster--you or us?" queried the scientists.
"O.K." said God.
So the scientists went back to their friends and said "We are going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster."

Getting right to work, the first scientist went out and scooped up a big pile of dirt. At that instant a powerful bolt of lightning struck the ground near the man, making him drop the pile of dirt.
Looking up at God he said "What?"
God replied, "Get your own dirt."

[J.R.]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.


Do you have feelings of inadequacy ? Do you suffer from shyness ? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive ?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit !

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot !!!

[englishangel]

A suitable resignation present?

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway
locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472 Flying Scotsman

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and
even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

[J.R.]

County Swimming Trials !

A county swimming coach decided to hold trials for the county team

At the trials he called for "free style trialists" and one of the lads who came forward had one leg missing.

The coach was concerned but the lad insisted he should have a trial. He won going away from the others and the delighted coach said "lad you're in !"

Calling for "breast style" trialists the coach was staggered to see one of the lads had an arm missing. Son you will not have much chance at this level but the lad insisted on having his chance. He won going away from the others and the delighted coach said "lad you're in !"

Calling for "butterfly style" trialists the coach was staggered to see a lad come forward minus both arms, deciding he had been wrong twice already he let the trial go ahead without comment.

On the whistle the lad sank straight to the bottom causing the coach and the lifeguard to dive in and rescue him.

"What happened ??" Spluttered the coach.

The lad replied "I got cramp in both ears !!"

[J.R.]

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you ?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter ?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites !'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin !!'

[J.R.]

Lawyer with a heart:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass ?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me !'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high !'

[J.R.]

ANGELS, AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN !

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
~~~Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
~~~Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an ange l! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
~~~Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
~~~Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
~~~Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows !!!
~~~Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
~~~Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
~~~Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
~~~Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
~~~Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
~~~Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
~~~ Lynn , 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
~~~Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
~~~ Sarah, 7

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

The Vicar is walking past the front garden of one of his Parishioners ----

"Good Morning George ! -- What a lovely Garden, you and God have made !"

"Good Morning Vicar ! --- But you should have seen it, when God had it on His own ! "

[sejintenej]

This is an extract (complete in context) from an email I received today:

Win a Duck House
To celebrate the arrival of The Little Book of Big Expenses, Waterstones are pleased to be able to offer one winner the chance to own a brand new duck house. All you have to do is send in your details to enter the prize draw.

and I thought the duck house was called the Palace of Westminster. Chacun a son gout

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Who have good reason to "DUCK" !

[englishangel]

Raining in New York City

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become New York cab drivers," she said.

[englishangel]

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said
Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair....

[J.R.]

THE GUNFIGHTER.


A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

' Could you give me some tips ?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter ?'

'Sure will ! '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific !' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips ?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will !' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips ?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there ? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'NO,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your @rse, and then it won't hurt as much !!'