Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander says.

In Macquarie Fields, NSW, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by fire.
A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They too died.
A white couple lived on the left first floor flat. The couple survived the fire.

Various multicultural agencies were furious! They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived.

The Fire Commander said, "They were at work."
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

Number of Words in Important Documents:

Pythagoras' Theorem: 24
Lord's Prayer: 66
Archimedes' Principle: 67
Ten Commandments: 179
Gettysburg Address: 286
US Declaration of Independence : 1,300
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818
EU Regulations on the Sale of Cabbages: 26,911


Impossibilities in the World:

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly b****r.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow "and that is why I am in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well," said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about you Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old.” said the old Scottish golfer. .

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

Why Old Men Don’t Get Hired

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: What is your greatest weakness?
Old Man: Honesty!
Human Resources Manager: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Old Man : I don't give a **** what you think.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

Dogs Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
'I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?'

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
‘Sir: I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls or use them as a colouring book. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub »

A Personal Problem

I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister owned and ran the store, and hence there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me.
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.’
When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do . . .
. . . 1/3 ownership in the store,
. . . A company pickup truck,
. . . A king size bed, and
. . . $3,000 a month in living expenses.’
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

This will likely be us. Something to look forward to boys.


A group of English chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej »

Last night my wife and her lady friend went to see the new movie "50
Shades of Grey".

I watched some TV and then went to bed around 11p.m.

I awakened from a light sleep to see my wife standing there with a
leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought "Mmm.
This looks interesting!"

Then she said to me "Here, you forgot to walk the dogs!
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LongGone
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone »

An 85-year old man marries a stunning 25-year old women, and some of his friends are worried about him stressing out, as does his wife. On the wedding night she says, " I don't want to insult you, but it's been a long day and you might need a quiet night. How about I sleep in the spare room tonight?" He agrees, and she settles into bed. After ten minutes the door opens, he comes in and proceeds to make passionate love to her. Finally he leaves, and she falls asleep. Twenty minutes later he comes back and there is an encore performance. Thirty minutes later he is back again and everything is even more intense. When it is over she holds him and apologizes for being concerned about his age. "The first time was great, the second was amazing and the third was unforgettable!" He looks at her strangely: "I was here before?"
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg
sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej »

Getting Married

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church, but when I married my wife I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?"

I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out !"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. :shock:
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next cr@p could spell disaster.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

A respectable elderly gentleman was stopped by traffic police as he was driving at 1:00 a.m.

"Routine question, Sir. Where are you going ?"
the policeman asked.

"I'm going to a lecture officer."
He replied.

"And what is this lecture about ?"

"The perils of gambling. loose women, alcohol and drugs." The elderly gentleman answered.

"A lecture at 1:00 a.m. in the morning ? Who's giving this lecture, Sir ?"

"My wife when I get home !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
William
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by William »

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters. Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant. Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could. To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

“How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

“Not this time, dear.”
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
'Congratulations on your new location!'"
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