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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:50 pm
by LongGone
President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Of course, he can't play Blackjack unless he is naked!

Books you don't get at CH (check the authors)

Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:28 pm
by sejintenej
This is a small fraction of the letter A. For the entire alphabet message me.

“All About Flowers” by Chris Anthymum
“All Alone” by Saul E. Terry
“All The Right” by Anne Sers
“All The Satisfied Windows Users”
“All-You-Can-Eat Buffets” by I.M.A. Piggee
“America’s Longest River” by Misses Hippy
“America’s Most Popular Lawyers”
“And Shut Up!” by Sid Downe
“Animal Illnesses” by Ann Thrax
“Answering the Questions of the Universe” by Howard I. Know

Quite a mix today; take your pick

Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 9:48 am
by sejintenej
Money Alert

Please, I repeat, please, DO NOT use the $1, $20, $50 or the $100 bills as they have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of in the proper manner!!! Do not just throw them away as they need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so. E-mail me for a discreet method of transfer.

Thank you for your patriotism.

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

The government said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then the government said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then the government said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then the government said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then the government said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then the government said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
Very Lost

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked, “Excuse me, sir. Where are we?”

The gentleman on the street replied, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, “We really are lost. They don’t even speak English here!”
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”
Why did ISIS blow up a KFC?

Because they thought they were attacking an American Colonel.
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
Clearing the Church
The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.


Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River’.”

Barack Obama - on the jury

Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 5:55 pm
by sejintenej
Yes, the ex-president has been called for jury duty in Cook County and confirms that he will attend.

A judge writes:

As a judge, I’m required to refrain from partisan politics, but I can’t deny that it would be pretty cool to have President Obama in my jury pool. “Is there anyone here with strong feelings about the justice system?” Obama raises hand. “Yes, Juror 44, can you please elaborate?” Eighteen hours later . . .

Other comments have been less restrained!

Given that ex-presidents get heavy protection for life I wonder if the S S will allow a not-yet-convicted criminal in the same bui;lding let alone room with him. Indeed I wonder if there will be room for anyone else in the courtroom after they get there

ouch; centipedes

Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:04 am
by sejintenej
“What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?”
“Enough drumsticks to feed an army.”

, “My centipede just died. I’m not surprised, it was on its last legs.”

“What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?”
“A centipede with athlete’s foot.”

“What did the boy centipede say to the girl centipede?”
“Wow! What a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs...”

Where did your DNA come from?

Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:12 pm
by sejintenej
In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”